She's My Song
by blackindiaink
Summary: Can you go back? Is Chloe's and Aubrey's relationship strong enough to withstand the past or will Beca win Chloe's heart again?
1. Still For You

A/N: Listen to Even If We Try by Night Beds for this chapter.

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Dreams fail but you can't hide the truth, especially from yourself. When I woke up two years into the failed experiment I know as my life, I knew. I had to get out of here. I came to LA so I could become a celebrated music producer, but I was working in a record store making minimum wage.

I had gotten a few DJ gigs. One a.m. in a dingy club for drinks and three percent of the door. That was where everyone told me that I had to start, but I couldn't do it anymore. There was something on my mind, someone.

I opened my eyes, trying to vanquish the image of her face but the secrets in her eyes and the red of her hair lurked just on the other side of my eyelids and I could not find peace. I tried telling myself that she would have moved on by now. I was worthless. My dad had been right and it made me hate him. I hated myself more for giving up the chance to know what it was like. Just to be with her once, that should be enough for me but it wasn't. I left for the West coast the morning after, leaving a hunk of me in that bed, watching light stream over her naked body.

I sat up in my bed, memories making me strong again, and pulled my laptop off the desk and onto my lap. There was no use in trying to convince myself that I would be alright. I needed to go back even if it was too late. I needed to know for sure.

My fingers fumbled across the keys. The chill in the air had frozen my hands so that the already convoluted, harried thoughts that jumbled my mind made me physically slower. Clicking a through a few pages, I found a few doable flights to Atlanta. That is, if I could get my dad to help me pay for it.

A week later I was standing on the curb at Hartsfield waiting for my ride. He pulled up, dressed in tweed as always, the consummate professor. The ride home was filled with a strange excitement. This mixed with the foreboding nerves already at work in my body made me queasy. What would it be like to see her? First I had to find her. Chloe… would she even still be here? Small talk didn't distract me from my thoughts.

A million dead ends, facebook messages, and texts later I found her. My body trembled as I held my phone. Her number was scrawled across the back of my hand, a tattoo of possibility. I hit send and my stomach sank. This was insane. Forcing myself to sit down, my free hand found its way to the comforter, fingers twining in the fabric.

She answered on the third ring. The striking, melodious tones of her voice rendered me speechless. Bile rose into my esophagus and I swallowed hard to push it back down. "Hi." It came out quiet and simple.

"Um, hi," she said. The end of the words rose into another octave. She had no idea who it was.

"Chloe, it's me… Beca."This was a great start.

"Oh my god, Beca! How are you?"

Her excitement brought a thin smile to my face. Even over the phone it was infectious. "I'm okay. You?"

She didn't miss a beat. "Great! I'm great. I totally didn't recognize the area code so I had no idea it was you." She laughed at the end, light and short.

"Yeah, sorry about that. Listen, I'm in town and I was wondering if we could, you know, get coffee or something?"

I could hear the pause, not just experience it, feel it. It was as if her thoughts had flown in different directions and no answer was forthcoming. "You don't have to, of course," my voice cracked. "I just thought it would be cool to catch up." I didn't add my hopes of something more to complicate matters. There would be enough time to assess my chances later.

"Okay, that sounds good."

She paused again but this time I heard something in the background, a muffled voice and I could tell that it was either too far away or Chloe had her hand over the phone. She came back after a second that seemed like ten thousand.

"Yeah, how's tomorrow at the little shop by campus at.. say two?"

I bit my lip and tried to keep the feelings leak into my voice. That was our place. "I'll be there." Maybe her choice of venue was a sign or maybe it was just sentimental.

"I've gotta go now but I can't wait to see you." I could hear the sincerity in her voice but she had never been one to fake that. Chloe Beale was as genuine as real gold.

"Me too, see you tomorrow." I hung up and tried not to jump up and down like a teenage boy who just got his first date but to my mortification, I did fist pump. I was one step closer to getting her back. I knew I was probably on a suicide mission but my heart had been killed so many times, this time I wouldn't be responsible. I was trying.


	2. Postcards From You To Me

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! G, I have no doubt that you've figured me out. :-) This one is a little longer for ya. Lackluster Brilliance, glad to see a some Chaubrey love but you know as a fic writer I have to drag Chloe through the drama before she can decide who makes her happy. ;-) Your enthusiasm is greatly appreciated and I hope you keep reading.

This took me a bit to write but I hope everyone enjoys. The weekend is coming soon so I plan on getting a few more chapters written then.

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I had been over it for a long time. A year and a half later the wound was healed and nearly forgotten but scar tissue tore away easily and cancer recurred. Little dark mutating cells dividing and reproducing with new stimulation. Even the radiation of new love hadn't been able to get all of Beca out of me.

Her voice flushed anger through my blood even through the phone. However, after twenty-four years I was adept at pretending happiness in social situations. It wasn't just anger it was the agony. Waking up in a lonely bed changed the meaning of what we shared that night. She tore away the expectations by leaving without an explanation.

An year later I ran into Dr. Mitchell in the campus bookstore. He recognized me even though I was trying to avoid it. His smile reminded me of hers. Just a little crooked and cynical. Beca talked about you a lot… she's in California now, the unwanted updates made my control slip.

When I got home I attacked Aubrey like an animal, needing comfort without giving her words of explanation. She missed a lot of things that went on under the surface. No one ever asks happy people if anything is wrong because it never occurs to them that the smiles are a partial front for the sadness. I was, I am very happy now and I will go into this knowing that nothing about that is going to change.

I was still on the phone when Aubrey arrived. She always came home tired and mentally spent after a day of classes and studying. Medical school was a calling that took her away from what her father wanted but so had a lot of other things. He still doesn't know about us. Being around her parents feels like a pressing weight on my heart and mind but I can't say anything because I know what it would mean. She would no longer have a family and I can't be the reason that havoc is wreaked on that relationship.

I pray that someday maybe we can be honest with them because hiding makes me feel shameful and trapped. Sometimes I just don't go to the family dinners because I can't breathe when I think Mrs. Posen might have seen how I looked at Aubrey or the light touch I placed on her hand, something I never think about until we are hiding under the scrutiny of people who are supposed to love her for who she is.

I hid the call and the meeting from her for no good reason. I just needed to keep it to myself for a little longer. It felt like my mental property and the feelings stirred up from the bottom of my heart wouldn't do either of us any good to discuss. Another fight was something I couldn't stand. Aubrey hated Beca and I understood why. She sees in black and white and not only had Beca hurt me, she had taken from Aubrey the things that made up her identity. I understood how they both felt and thought. Maybe that was my problem. I see everything, every side of an issue, but cannot find the words to bridge the misunderstanding between them. Aubrey and Beca speak completely different languages and I was fluent in both. I loved both.

I got there ten minutes early. Everything looked just like it had when I was going to Barden. The booth in the corner still had this little place where the cloth was peeling back. the baristas still wore the hats with a coffee mug logo on them, and the old, stained menu hung on the wall offering the same selections. Nervous energy bounded around inside me.

When I got to the counter I ordered a drink and waited, eyes roaming the rest of the cafe. The art hand changed, the aesthetic a little harsh and barren in the ink on paper drawings. I took a sip out of the cup that was handed to me, feeling it all the way down my throat and stomach. It was empty so I knew that the caffeine would take effect sooner rather than later.

It settled me rather than make the tension tighter. I checked my phone, three minutes past two. When my eyes found the door again she came through, looking just as she had the day she left but something was different. My teeth captured my lip and clenched hard before I got up to greet her.

I promised myself to be normal. "Hey," I said.

Beca pulled back the chair across from me but I hopped up and spread my arms. Her face erased and came back to an expression of relief. She felt small in my arms, thin and airy. She could float away at any moment. I didn't hold on for too long. Being conscious of every movement was now necessary because Beca dealt in actions not words. She read body language and looks like they were printed on your body.

"How are you?" She asked.

"I'm good," I said. "I don't have a lot of time. I have to get back to work but I wanted to see you for sure."

The edge of her lips dipped in a half frown and she met my eyes for the first time. "Oh, that sucks but I understand." She looked at the counter to see if the line was shorter. "What do you do?"

I smiled. This was something I could talk about with ease. "I'm a teacher, third grade." Silence was her answer so I kept speaking. "I love it. The kids are great and it's fun, but I'm going to go get my masters in psychology and substitute teach while I'm in school starting next year." I could feel her thinking, hard and fast, like she wanted to say something but didn't know how. "Aubrey says I should just teach at Barden after I get my masters and then get a PHd but I don't know. I might just be a counselor."

Her eyes sparked with recognition. "Oh, you're still friends with Aubrey?" The cup felt warm, too warm, in my hands. The question lay in the air between us while I decided if I should tell her everything or not. I had already omitted things from Aubrey.

"Yeah, you could say that," I said.

"Cool," she replied, "I'm going to get some coffee."

I watched her get up and get in line. A mention of Aubrey had stilted the conversation quickly. I tried to stop remembering what it was like to have her near me in much more intimate terms than this but it was burned in my body. Even thinking of Aubrey's hands on me and the happiness I had with her didn't stop the power of the memory.

A cup being set on the table brought me back. "How is Aubrey?" She asked. Her voice was cautious, a parsing tone seeking information that she didn't know if she wanted.

She's fine, great actually. She just finished her second year of med school and she loves it. It's perfect for her." That helped, remembering the joy I felt seeing Aubrey happy.

"Really? I thought she was supposed to be a lawyer. Her dad is one, right?"

"Yeah but she picked medicine and I am really glad she did because even though it pissed him off she's better off doing what she really wanted to do." We were dancing around the real things we both wanted to talk about but I don't think all of me wanted to know why she left. It might make it harder to hate her for it.

"You look good," she said.

I drank again. "Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself." I pushed the cup away. "You've been in California?"

Now, we were on territory that she wasn't as comfortable in. Her arms folded in front of her. "Yeah, LA… I'm actually thinking about moving back." She looked up, dark blue swirls ruining my concentration. "It wasn't what I thought it would be and I think I might finish school. I thought maybe a business degree would help me get farther with my music."

"Wow, yeah, that makes sense." I said. Another dream crashed down. Beca's love for music almost defined her and I knew that had to be a hard blow for her. Maybe that was why she was back.

Her mouth opened and closed like punctuation. "Listen, I didn't come here to talk about this… well, I did but that's not all. I need to apologize. The way I left was beyond stupid. I was an idiot and I need you to know that I regret it every day."

Her face was so earnest and her tone pleading. She had waited a long time to say this and I just let her continue, my tongue heavy in my mouth.

"And I think I loved you and that was hard because I didn't know that is what it was or how to process it." She pushed back her hair with a hand. "I don't think I meant to say that last part." A harsh laugh escaped her. "I just wanted to tell you, that it had nothing to do with you. I was just so confused and messed up then and you deserved better."

"Thank you," I whispered. This was torturous and dangerous because the electricity was still there. Her apology had brought it back. I hated the feelings, my heart was a traitor and part of me didn't care. "I'm glad you said that. It means something after all this time to hear it but it took me awhile to get over what you did but I am and I'm happy now." I looked away trying to rid myself of her spell.

Her hand shot out to mine. "I know. I can't offer anything else but an apology but I just hope that you can forgive me and that we can move on." Her small fingers were cold and soft on mine. I grabbed them and squeezed. She squeezed back and I was lost again. "Can we start over?"

"Yes." Thought didn't enter into to the answer. It was pure instinct. Maybe I was doomed to forever say yes to Beca. "But I have to go." I pulled my hand away and closed it, capturing the feeling of her skin on mine. Then, I grabbed my bag and swung it onto my shoulder. "Bye," I said turning to her. I don't think I've ever left a place so quickly in my life.

She was back under my skin, not all the way and not in the same way she had been before. Comparing it to drinking five shots of hard liquor in quick succession after having abstained from drinking for years would have been an accurate depiction of how I felt. It was clear that she still thought about me and it appeared that she did it a lot. I hadn't told her about my relationship or how I was in a different place now. Being stuck in the past for forty minutes had made me drunk, stumbling around in the events of years ago. I needed to go home, needed to feel normal again.

Instead of going back to work I went home, to our small loft filled with daylight. There were tall windows all along one wall that started at the high ceiling and ended a foot before the floor. I liked to sit in the comfortable, old leather love seat and look out at the city. You could see a graveyard below, tiny, gray tombstones, a reminder than the dead were always here no matter how many years passed.

The light steadily faded as I sat staring out and sunset painted the sky with purples and oranges, my favorite colors. Time just kept going while I kept thinking about what I was going to do and wondering why Beca coming back made me question everything I had built.

The front door opened and Aubrey came in, face flushed from the cold and arms full of books. Her hair was pulled back into a wavy ponytail and she was wearing my favorite jeans. I felt a laugh bubble up inside me. It was followed by a feeling of pure joy. Just the sight of her made eclipsed all my doubt. She was forever rescuing me from myself.

Her books were placed in a stack on the desk and her bag hung on the hook in the entryway. There was never a thing out of place. Living with Aubrey was a neat and ordered existence. By the time she sat on the chair arm and slid into the seat beside me, I was grinning widely.

She kissed my cheek and leaned her head against my shoulder with a weary sigh. "Today sucked," she said.

I snuck my arm between the chair and her back, pulling her into me. "I'm sorry. I guess the test didn't go so well?" Her head shook back and forth and the familiar smell of her shampoo and perfume put me at ease. "If it helps, I missed you today." She raised her head to look at me.

"As good as your intentions are… now I'm just more sad." She bumped me and my body swayed over. Her smile betrayed her appreciation of my sentiment. "What did you do today?" I tensed not having a ready reply. There was no option but to tell her. Honesty was paramount.

"Well, I worked on my lesson plans for next semester, went to a meeting, and Beca was in town so I met her for coffee." I said it quickly and without ceremony.

"Excuse me," she said. The words slapped the air. "Beca as in Mitchell?"

"Yeah," I said. I needed to stop this before she got to anger. "It was nothing. She called me and asked if we could catch up." I shrugged. "So, we talked for about thirty minutes."

Aubrey mulled the explanation. "She called you." Her lips pursed like they always did when she was figuring something out. "How did she get your number?"

It was a question I hadn't even considered. "I don't know. I didn't ask and she didn't say but like I said we talked and then I left." Defending myself came naturally but I could see that it was giving her more to think about. I could see the questions she wouldn't ask flick across her face. Aubrey always doubted someone's words before accepting them.

She relaxed and stood up. "What do you want for dinner?"

Just like that the conversation was closed. She would go on wondering and not asking and I would try to slip in assurances. If Aubrey Posen had an Achilles heel, or least an arch nemesis, it was Beca, . There was nothing I could do to keep my past with her from being a sore point. All I could do was try to make her see that I loved her and a big part of that was because she was the one who was always there to pick me up when something went wrong. She saved me after Beca left me miserable.


	3. Hold Your Ground

**A/N: Thanks for reading everyone! Give me your thoughts on this one. It just kind of came unbidden. This is the Aubrey I always saw inside while watching the movie. The girl struggling to shake off the stone around her heart and actions. **

**Whatizthiz: HA, I know don't worry. I'm a little torn too so I sympathize with you. I guess this next chapter might give you a little more insight into Aubrey though. Thanks for the review and for reading! Keep me updated on what you think!**

**G: Well, you never know until you get all the sides. ;-) I think you might like this chapter. Thanks!**

**Lackluster Brilliance: Don't you worry. Hell has been brought. Sorry, I meant to get this update out sooner but it was a busy weekend. I hope you enjoy all the same. Thanks a lot for your review and for continuing to read my silly stuff. :-D**

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One of the first things you do when you're born is grow. You know how people always comment on how fast their children have grown and how they wished they had stayed little? There is a reason for that. It is an imperative of human development that we grow, learn, and adapt through experiences. This isn't unique to humans because you see it in every species. Experiences lead to learning and this knowledge leads to change. We are all changed by our experiences.

Like a kid putting his hand on a hot burner, the heat infuses his skin and this information gets sent to the pain receptors in his nerves. Then, a message zooms up to the brain and a second later he pulls his hand away from the burner and cries because of the pain he feels. That kid will never put his hand there again. He has learned to avoid a painful situation.

However, apart from this physical learning we share with other animals we are a unique species in that we form deep emotional attachments that can wound us deeply. Yet, we keep going back for more. The paradigm shifts to include non-rational responses to pain. This pain is worse than the physical. It is the hurting of the soul, a wound that penetrates so deep that it can alter the base of who you are.

I have tried to avoid this but as a child what choice do you have when the people that you rely on for everything are less than nurturing. I had much more than most kids in a material sense but I would have given it up for demonstrations of love. My father is the Attorney General of the state of Georgia and you don't get to a position like that without a little bit of hardness in your soul.

I only say that because since I was little his very military upbringing has been a guide in my life. Up until the last few years I was the golden child. Doing everything he wanted and saying all the right things, believing in my heart that he was right in every circumstance. Then, I fell in love, or more accurately, I gave in to love.

Chloe had been a revelation to me ever since she had showed up in our dorm freshman year. The antithesis of everything that I was, in a beautiful package sent to wreak havoc of my world view. I am thankful every day for her existence because without her in my life I would have gone down that road paved for me by my father and never experienced the joy that life can hold.

This might explain why I hold on to and defend her so fiercely. Despite the changes that have occurred in me, I am still my father's daughter and that means that I am a fighter. This can take me beyond the normal bounds of logic and into the territory of unfair. I understand that, but I won't compromise and I won't give up fighting for what I believe in. If that makes me a little selfish so be it, but I think I have also mellowed in that respect since Chloe came along.

Beca was, excuse me, is a threat to what I hold dear. That is why I am so hard on her, why I don't want to understand or have sympathy for her. Unfortunately, I do. My experience leading the Bellas taught me some humbling lessons that have carried over into how I judge people. I won't tolerate any advances into the territory of my relationship and she has moved into a position to do that. Over that year she became a friend but Chloe is my home.

To explain why I'm saying this I have to go back to the beginning of today…

_I was on my way to get some coffee so I didn't pass out during my dermatology study group session when I ran into her. I mean literally ran into her. My book went flying and the folders in her hands did the same. When I righted myself and prepared to unleash verbal hell onto whoever had been unlucky enough to enter my path unannounced I recognized her. So, instead of an expletive, I said, "Beca?"_

_She had bent over to gather up her things and when she straightened she offered me a pitiful excuse for a smile. "Aubrey?"_

_I reached out and saved a piece of paper from falling out of one of the folders. When I looked at it my heart sank a little. It was an application for re-admission. "You're coming back to school?"_

_When I handed her her the sheet she tucked it away in her arms. "Yeah, next semester." I had been used to Beca sharing more of her thoughts than I strictly wanted to hear so I wondered if she had changed or if the time that passed had brought us to this more than awkward place._

_"Oh, good," I hedged. "Guess LA didn't work out?"_

_She looked at her phone and then finally at me. "Let's just say that people still aren't exactly lining up to give funding to poor female musicians." She shrugged and actually saw me, not just looked in my direction._

_"You look good," she muttered._

_It almost felt like an insult rather than a compliment but I had never been good at reading Beca Mitchell. "Thanks? I like the shorter hair," I said. She had cut it off to about shoulder length and it fell in perfect waves, something I couldn't achieve without an hour's work._

_She only smiled a little and started to walk in the direction I had been going. I turned to walk with her. It was odd to be here with her like this, our lives had altered so much and the connections that we had forged seemed strained without a common purpose. There was no competition to win and no Bellas to provide cover for our awkward relationship._

_"So, you and Chloe got to hang out yesterday, right?" Chloe hadn't said a word about the meet up yet._

_"Yeah," she said, looking out the window. "It was nice."_

_I've never been good at reading emotions but even I could see that she was struggling with something. "You okay?" Dread started to creep up my neck._

_"Yeah," she answered._

_There was a war inside of her. I was familiar with that, going through it every day of my life. The harsh words of self-recrimination sometimes threatened to take me over. Exercising demons requires a lot more effort than simply changing your mind about something. Willing something to be alright isn't possible when negative thoughts are ingrained into your heart and mind._

_When she spoke it was quiet and hesitant, as if every word was a step further onto a high wire. "There is another reason I came back."_

_She sat on one of the couches at the end of the student center. I sat on the opposite end and pulled my things near me, making a sort of barrier. "What?"_

_The activity around the us quieted like the world was listening. Voices hushed, music stopped, and I could no longer hear the sound of the espresso machine in the cafe nearby. It was probably just me zeroing in on that feeling that something significant was about to happen._

_She pushed her hair back and looked me in the eye. The force of it made me stop breathing. "Chloe."_

_One word and the air rushed out of me. My eyes closed with the hope that when I opened them again it would be a dream. She would be gone and I would raise my head groggily from my desk at home, laughing at myself for still fearing the specter of Beca. That didn't happen. Surely, she didn't come back to Atlanta to woo Chloe._

_All I saw when my eyelids opened was Beca's earnest expression and a little bit of confusion._

_"You mean… romantically?_

_"Yeah," she said without pretext._

_Words tumbled out of me without thought. "No, you gave up any right to try with Chloe a long time ago." She looked like I had slapped her but I couldn't stop. "Who was there to help her get over you? It was me." My hand flew to my chest. "I'm the one that really loves her because no matter what happened I would never leave her miserable and alone like you did."_

_"Woah," Beca said, leaning back. "Look, I know I screwed up and I apologized to her for that. I don't really deserve to be forgiven and I don't actually expect it." She shook her head. "I told her all that yesterday and she didn't even tell me what she was thinking or how she was feeling. She just ran off. I was just hoping you could tell me if she said anything to you, if I still have a chance."_

_My mouth opened but no words came out, just a deep laugh. Beca was asking me if she had a shot. "I guess she didn't get around to telling you everything." I couldn't fathom why Chloe didn't tell Beca that we were together, really together, but I would find out._

_"What are you talking about?"_

_She seemed unsure now, maybe realizing that she had stepped onto shaky ground with no warning. "Chloe and I have been in a relationship for the past year and a half." Never had such a sweet expression dawned on Beca's face in my view. It was shock and blatant horror. "So, I'm probably not the best person to ask about chances."_

_A stab of guilt appeared in me but I beat it down, trying to remember that she had come all the way across the country to dismantle what Chloe and I had built, even if she didn't know it at the time._

_"Oh my god," she said. Her hands clasped in front of her body and I could see the fingers twisting and turning as she absorbed the news. "I didn't even know you were gay… or that you liked Chloe."_

_"Yeah, I kept that secret really well," I said. I couldn't help the sarcastic satisfaction from creeping in._

_"I always thought you had it bad for Uni," she sputtered._

_"It's called deflection, Beca." The ire was gone from me and now I was just tired. School wasn't the only thing that sucked the energy from me. My constant efforts to balance everything in my life were always there. Now, this new wrinkle, Beca's return, was making it hard to have an extreme reaction to my fatigue. I was either going to go crazy and fight her right there or curl into a ball and fall asleep on this couch._

_One thing kept me upright and calm, my need to preserve my dignity. It had been bred into every Posen since the family came over from England in 1862. "I'm not going to sit here and discuss my coming out story with you. Needless to say, Chloe and I love each other and have for a long time. We're incredibly happy and I would appreciate it if you would promise me that you're not going to do anything stupid to get in the way of that because it will fail."_

_"Aubrey, Chloe deserves to make her own decisions and you can't speak for her like you always have. You can't expect her to never go against whatever you say. It's not right."_

_The indignant Beca that I had come to know and appreciate sparring with was back but this time I was deadly serious so her words made the fire inside me grow more angry. "I don't owe you any kind of explanation of what is between Chloe and me but you're wrong. Chloe is free to do anything that she wants but you're not good for her and she knows it. We have built something real, something neither of us would ever run away from so do whatever you want Beca. You don't have a shot in hell." There was a flash in her eyes like she was going to say more but I didn't want to hear it. She had insulted me enough for one day. "I think we're done here."_

Walking away from her was necessary. I couldn't trust myself not to say something I would regret. The doubt was nagging at me because I remembered how Chloe used to look at Beca, how she used to talk about her to me. There had been real feelings there. I couldn't deny that

Chloe had been captured by whatever captivation Beca held over people. To me she had always seemed more spoiled brat than anything else. A title she would probably give to me in her turn, but I had no sympathy for her cause. It was in direct opposition to my happiness. I just prayed that I was right, that Chloe loved me enough to keep the promises that she had made to me. Otherwise the plans I had for us and the piece of jewelry that was stashed in my safe deposit box were worthless.

I sat on the edge of the desk chair, trying to concentrate on something other than my interaction with Beca and the nervous beat of my heart. Chloe would be home soon and I intended to get some answers from her, but I was going to be smart about it. In the past I had a habit of assuming first and alienating her with groundless judgement. I needed her to tell me what was going on so I couldn't, or at least I should try my best, not to be confrontational with her.

The loveseat was nearest to the window so I sat there, taking advantage of the last natural light of the day, and waited the last forty-five minutes until she would arrive home from work. My pharmacology book lay uselessly open in front of me as I stared at the door.

Normal things start to look so different when you focus on them. What you see every day has details that you never imagined. The grain of the wood was beautiful and the antique knob gave the impression of history, a strong tool for opening my mind to possibilities. I came and went through that door every day but I never knew how much seeing Chloe do the same meant to me. I thought I did, but now that I felt like that was threatened, this home that we had built, not the physical structure itself but the emotional bones of us, were more important than my life. In these walls lay the spirit and the energy of our love for one another.

The sound of a key in the lock startled me and the knob turned before I could do anything. There she was surrounded by the light shining in from the hallway, my love… my life. I just wanted to hold her, tell her all my doubts and have them soothed away by her hands but I needed to know.

"I ran into Beca today." I said the words quickly. Until that moment I hadn't even been sure if I was going to speak.

Her head shot up and she blinked at me, confused. The room was dark now with only one lap at my desk shining from across the vast room.

"Aubrey?"


	4. Lost For Tonight Again

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! You guys are great. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Beca is a little hard for me to write sometimes. **

**Blympienachos - Thanks so much! I'm really looking forward to writing a good Chaubrey chapter for 5 so I hope you stick around to find out what happens!**

**Lackluster Brilliance - Your review made me chuckle! Thanks for reading. It felt really good to write Aubrey telling Beca off. There is just something awesome about writing Aubrey in general though.**

**G - Yeah, Beca has a tendency to miss the big picture but she honestly did just want to make things right. Unfortunately, she's not very good at going about that. LOL Thanks for reviewing! I hope you enjoy.**

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I was shaking after seeing Aubrey. How could Chloe not have mentioned that they were dating and had been for more than twice as long as my longest relationship. They had always been close but I had never considered the possibility that there was more between them. Maybe it was because Aubrey just seemed so straight. To be honest I couldn't imagine her with anyone at all but I could see the pieces of their personalities that would fit.

Chloe had said something to me once about Aubrey and I being far more similar than either of us would like to think. At the time I dismissed it immediately thinking she was just trying to bring us closer to cooling the animosity that came naturally to us. Now, I was beginning to believe her. It was such a dissonant concept for me to understand where she was coming from but at the same time be angry that I wasn't the one with Chloe. It left me in a weird place emotionally and mentally since I was trying to sift through the competing emotions from the past and present.

Logic told me that we were in a dangerous area where I should probably back off but I needed more information. I needed to know that Chloe was happy, that she had no regrets. I know what that feels like and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, even Aubrey. The way she left kept sticking in my head. She just seemed so conflicted. That image of her face before she walked out mingled with the knowledge that she hadn't told me that she was with Aubrey.

That made it clear to me. I got up and started for the door. There were a few more things I needed to do on campus before I could sort out what exactly I was going to do about this impossible situation. I pulled out my phone and shot off a quick text to Chloe.

_Can we talk?_

I hadn't decided if I was going to mention my altercation with Aubrey but chances are she already knew. I wasn't going to bring it up until she did. The feeling of guilt crept into me but I couldn't come up with a logical reason why. I had simply told Aubrey what I thought and felt. I could admit that I could be wrong. Probably because most of the time I was.

I checked my phone every two seconds for a notification as I walked across campus but there was nothing. This was the worst part, waiting for answers but keeping myself moving helped. The campus was pretty deserted, only a few students lingering after finals. It was beautiful, the trees and old buildings. Even if I had resisted being here at first the place had always given me a sense of peace.

The wind whipped at my jacket, making me walk a little faster. It was getting later and the December chill was starting to get to me. Thankfully, I made it to the registrar's office and pushed the door open. The place was deserted, just one lonely student worker sitting behind the glass reading a book.

When I approached she didn't even look up and I had to tap the glass to get her attention. Her face had been buried behind a curtain of hair as she concentrated on the words she was consuming so I didn't even realize who it was until I got closer.

"Stacie?" Surprise and an unexpected happiness took me over. She grinned up at me, her face lighting up like a Christmas tree. The last time I had seen Stacie had been the party that Chloe and left together on that fateful night.

She flipped her head back. She was still as gorgeous as ever. "Well, if it isn't the long lost Bella," she jested.

"Yeah, yeah," I said, shaking my head. I deserved a little shit for how I had left with no word to anyone. "How are you?"

Stacie gestured to her surroundings. "Oh, super. I'm spending the first day of my winter break stuck behind this desk." Soft chuckles shook her body. "Otherwise, I'm great. What about you? What brings you to town?" Her body leaned in towards me.

The million dollar question. "The weather was too awesome in California so I decided to come back to Georgia so I could suffer like an artist is supposed to." I shrugged and smiled. "Plus, I ran out of money and figured my dad might not have been completely wrong about that college education thing."

"Oh, so you're coming back to school?" I could see the wheels begin to work in her mind. "That means you can come back to the Bellas!" The eagerness of her words hit me right in that guilty spot that I was starting to think of as my Achilles' heel.

I bit my lip and slipped the piece of paper I was holding through the passway of the window. "Well, I have to get back in before I can even think about anything like that."

Stacie took the paper and looked it over. "Oh, you'll get back in," she said, reaching for something I couldn't see. She pulled the metal seal up and pushed it into the paper, embossing the paper with the date and school seal. "Everyone loves your dad here and they usually allow readmissions who left on good academic standing."

I nodded and then my cell phone buzzed. It was Chloe texting me back.

_Old Bellas rehearsal room in an hour?_

I was so relieved that I didn't even notice that I was ignoring Stacie. She cleared her throat and I forced myself to put the phone away. I would text back when I got outside. "Sorry, I got a text. Listen, I've gotta go. I will see you later." I turned for the door but her voice stopped me.

"Hey, text me! My number is still the same. We can all get together and catch up."

"Sure thing," I said. Impatience to get going was overriding any need to make a polite exit. I waved in her vague direction and beat a quick path out into the cold. There, I took the phone out and my fingers flew across the screen faster than ever before. If I was going to see Chloe in an hour I needed to think about what I was going to say. Not that it would do any good. My mouth always took off way ahead of my brain anyway.

I sent the text telling her that I would meet her there and set off for the cafe. Caffeine was probably a bad idea right now but I needed something hot and comforting. As if the universe was reading my thoughts the wind picked up, breaking through the protection of my clothes. I shivered and walked faster.

Fifty-nine minutes later I was sitting in the room waiting, nerves causing my body to tense. I was right about the coffee, such a bad idea. My legs bobbed up and down, jitters manifesting themselves in every movement. I chewed my nail and sat there waiting for the door to open. Every word I had planned to say had predictably left my mind and I fought desperately to get them back.

When she came in it startled me. Even though I was waiting for it, I wasn't prepared. Cute black leather jacket over a grey blouse, I couldn't help but notice how attractive she looked. It was a habit that I would never be able to break. Her eyes, usually bright and welcoming, were sad, like all the energy had drained from her and she was subsisting on vapors.

"Chloe," I said, raising from my seat. "Hey."

She nodded and took a fold up chair from the side of the piano as she walked in. When she opened it and sat down I could see the exhaustion in her movements. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," she said.

Her voice was flat and there was a hardness behind it. A sound that I had never heard there. It was unsettling but I set that aside, still searching for words.

She pushed her hair back, red strands falling away in a disobedient effort to remain over her shoulders. "I agreed to talk to you but I'm not staying long. We need to get a few things clear."

"Okay," I rushed out. "I just wanted to ask you a few things and…"

"Beca, I have a girlfriend and yes, I definitely had feelings for you," she cleared her throat but started speaking again, "in the past but that's all over."

Every moment we had spent together, even though it was two years ago was still part of the memories that I relived all the time. The way she felt then had been palatable and clear, but now I couldn't tell if I just wanted to believe that there was still something there or if the hesitation was real.

"I just want to know that you're happy," I said.

She sighed heavily. "I am, Beca. I've been happy for a long time."

"You don't sound happy," I shot back. "I remember what you were like before and I feel like you're no where near that person."

I saw her hand grip the chair hard. "I'm not happy because you came back here and made things complicated again. It's always been that way with us. You can't just expect to tell me that you love me and then think that everything is magically going to be okay and that I'll just leave Aubrey, the woman that I love, might I add, to jump into a relationship with you."

It was going to be like this, the second fight in as many days. I didn't want to fight. I wanted to be right because I could see it there in everything that she had become. "If I'm making it complicated, that means that there was something to complicate. I want you to tell me the truth. Are you happy with Aubrey?"

She got up, stepping closer to me, even and serious. "Aubrey is wonderful and we are happier together that I've ever been. Have I wondered what would happen if you had stuck around, sure, but I could never, ever do anything to hurt Aubrey." The fire faded from her and she was tired again.

The fight was gone from her and I had no questions left to ask. It was over. "Well, I hope we can still be friends." I shrugged. "That sounded lame." I hated when people said that.

She laughed. "It did but I hope so too. I just… I need a little time. Aubrey told me what happened between you two and she is so not happy that I agreed to talk to you." Her arms crossed over her chest. "You really pissed her off, not that I should expect anything less. It's like your super power."

That made me laugh despite the gloom that had descended over me. It was true. "Yeah, that would be a really bad comic book." I guess I didn't have to explain about the altercation with Aubrey after all. "I'm glad you're happy and that you found someone that can love you back the way you deserve." The words tried to catch inside me but I forced them out. I didn't want to believe it but it was obviously true. Aubrey had always been a better person than I was where Chloe was concerned. I just hated that it was true. I wanted to be the that person for her.

"It would." She smiled, the emotional not quite reaching her eyes. "I should get back. Aubrey has probably texted me five hundred times by now." She got up and came over, wrapping her arms around me. I could feel her lips near my ear and her warm breath on my neck. She smelled so good.

"I'll always have this Beca shaped place in my heart for you," she whispered.

I held on tight, willing her to never leave but her arms loosened and she pulled away, despite my grip remaining strong for a moment. "I'll always be here. I know I wasn't before but I will now. I promise." The words were the truest I had ever spoken. I would fight for that, fight myself and whoever got in my way to always be there for her.

"Thanks," she said.

She raised her hand to give a small wave and then left. I watched as she opened the door and let it close behind her, wishing that it had all gone another way but I couldn't let the fantasy go on. She was going home to Aubrey, not with me. Chloe was not with me.


	5. We Learn From the Ones We Hate the Most

**A/N: This chapter just kind of came together and I'm pretty happy with the results. I hope you all are as well. **

**G: Beca is like that little itch that just won't go away. If Chloe scratches, it could turn into a sore or be innocuous. It is the not knowing that is keeping it in her mind. There are a few more layers to it but I hope they come across without me having to say it. Thanks for your reviews! They are always lovely to read.**

**Lackluster Brilliance: Thanks so much! I am happy that Beca is coming across well. I used to feel like I had her down well when I was rping her but I haven't done that in forever. Aubrey certainly is fun to write. She's the most complex character in the movie if you ask me. I hope you enjoy this chapter because it is all about Aubrey, Chloe, and their insecurities. **

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I love her. Like a craving that never goes away, she was always there. From the incredible sweetness she could show me to the stubborn righteousness that put everyone off, every part of her was captivating. Sometimes I picked a fight with her just so that I see that anger turn into lust. We were a balance of love, friendship, and family. I can't do without her.

It was just that carping 'what if' in the back of my mind that soured it. Before I went to see Beca I was thinking through everything, like a powerpoint of the last two years in my head and I just kept coming back to these little, simple facts that I knew were absolutely true: I can never get enough of the way Aubrey's skin smells, when she starts rattling off medical jargon it turns me on, her strength is inspiring, and our bond is the strongest thing I've ever felt.

The fact that Beca even entered my mind when I had all these blessings in my life made me feel horrible because I hated cheaters. That is what it felt like, mental infidelity. There was no forgiving it and I knew that because I still hadn't forgiven my Dad for cheating on my Mom. It was so long ago but sometimes when we were all gathered as a family I still thought about how close he came to throwing it all away. I think I understand a little more about how he could do such a thing now and that is a shameful feeling.

I tried to do anything I could to erase the thought of how Beca's arms felt around my body and how hard it had been not to just give in to the stirring inside of me when she told me how she felt. There were these forces pulling me in different directions and I was starting to feel the tension rip me right down the center.

When I got home Aubrey wasn't waiting up for me like I thought she would be. I moved through the living room as silently as I could and when I came to the bedroom door I stopped, hands resting on either side of the doorway. She was curled into herself with her back to the door, the comforter pulled away from the edges of the bed to cocoon her in warmth. How could I ever think of giving this up?

It didn't take long to get ready for bed because before I left to meet Beca, the tears that I shed had forced me to remove my makeup. Still, I took a little longer than necessary, making an effort to clear my mind. Getting in our bed with someone else on my mind didn't seem right.

When I did slip between the sheets and pull the little bit of comforter left on my side over my body, it felt like coming home. It was warm in the bed and it got even more warm when I scooted my body over to Aubrey. My arm wound around her and I moved my face to the back of her neck, taking a deep breath.

Her hair tickled my forehead when she shifted and her hand settled on top of mine. It was then that I realized that she hadn't been asleep. She was waiting for me after all.

"I was worried," she whispered.

The words made me blink in the dark. It broke the silent peace and brought the traitorous thoughts of Beca back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take so long but there was actually a lot of traffic."

She didn't say anything for a second but when she finally did her tone was even and practiced. "I was afraid you weren't coming back."

It nearly broke me because it had no emotion behind it, but I knew that second of silence before the words came was her way of repressing the worry in her heart. If that had shown through I would have been lost, but I just pulled her closer, impossibly close. "I'll always come home," I said.

There were no promises I could make her but that one. Other words wouldn't come and I wouldn't lie to her. I was stuck between the truth and platitudes of comfort that seemed to shallow to even think so I stayed quiet and tried to let the strength of my grip on her skin speak for me.

She turned in my arms and even in the dark I could feel her eyes boring into mine. "What happened with Beca?"

I turned my face into the pillow below my head and wished the question unasked. "Can we not talk about it right now?" I was still partially hiding in the pillow so the warmth of my breath came back to me as I spoke. "Please."

She leaned away, arms leaving my grasp. "I want to know, Chloe. I deserve to know and you not telling me just makes me think that something happened."

It was getting intense and all chances of simply enjoying being close to her had ended when she started down this path. She was a single minded individual. On other occasions it was an attractive quality but when it was turned against me, forcing me to divulge details when I lacked the strength to, it was exasperating.

"Nothing happened," I said and sighed. "Now, can we go to sleep." I couldn't keep the irritation out of my voice. I couldn't separate my emotions from my words like she could and I cringed when I heard the tone in my voice. I knew I had no right to be upset with her questions but I just wanted to strike out so everything would just stop for a second. They say it is easier to hurt the ones you love and I never thought I could say that was true in our case, until now.

With no hesitation she separated her body from mine and sat up, partially lit by the moonlight coming in from the window. She looked like some kind of goddess with that halo of blond hair around her and her face being backlight by borrowed light. "No, we can't but you can do whatever you want. You usually do in the end anyway." She rolled off the bed and grabbed the silk robe that always hung over the arm of the nearby chair.

I watched her put it on and leave the room, the end of the robe floating on the air since she was moving so quickly. I sank back into the bed and let my arm fall over my eyes. This was going to be a long night.

When I followed her into the living room a few minutes later I found it empty but there she was in the kitchen searching for her stash. Aubrey had always been plagued by an anxious nature and sometimes I would find her sitting up in the wee hours of the morning before a big test or a performance. Her weakness was chocolate and she always bought it once a month and stuffed it into an old protein powder can in one of the cabinets, hoping that she wouldn't find her way to it again but she always did.

Sometimes I would wake up when she went on these late night snack hunts and I sat at the kitchen counter while she ranted to me, stuffing chocolate into her mouth between words. Often, it was something seemingly tiny but Aubrey was like that, always focused on the micro. This time it wasn't small and the hugeness of the issue was filling the space between us, preventing a useful dialogue.

Her need to seek comfort was a result of me and of Beca. That was the part that was maddening to me. My irrational feelings were starting to reach a high point and they were threatening to boil over into the wrong actions.

"Nothing happened between us, okay. I just dodn't want to talk about it right now because I'm tired of the whole thing. I'm tired of thinking about it and worrying how you're going to react. I'm tired of trying so hard not to hurt anyone." I rubbed my temple. "I'm just… exhausted."

She whipped around and faced me, slamming the cannister she was holding onto the counter. "I'm tired too, Chloe. Beca is always going to be there, isn't she? Like a freaking ghost haunting us." She stepped to the marble counter and placed her hands on it. "Sometimes I wonder if you're just settling with me because she ran out on you." The words rang with long hidden emotions.

It felt as if I had been struck. "How could… you… even think that?" The war within me intensified and anger rose. "That is just stupid."

She was leaning across the counter now, closer by a foot. "Is it? All the signs are there. If she hadn't left you, we would have never happened." She wasn't angry so much as insistent, which made it worse. She was presenting it as fact.

"You can't say that. There is no way of knowing that. In my heart I know we are meant to be but your doubts are what mess us up!" I took a breath and sat there rocking back and forth between a precipice. "Sometimes, I feel like you're ashamed of us, like you're hiding me from your family because I'm not worth risking their disapproval." I swallowed. It was out there, the thought that I had often but very rarely mentioned.

I always felt stuck between knowing what telling her family meant for her and wanting to be free of the constraining walls of the closet. Lying to them felt bad on so many levels and now it was out in the open along with the rest of our fears. Our cards were on the table and each of us stood there considering what our poker faces had been hiding all this time.

"You really think this is the time to bring that up?" She scoffed and moved around the kitchen island. "Because that's really not going to make me think you're not avoiding the question." She blew past my spot on the barstool and beat a path back to the bedroom. I hopped down and followed her but I wasn't quick enough. Just as I reached the door she slammed it in my face. It was the punctuation to her point.

When I tried the handle I found that she had locked the door. I raised my hand to pound on the wood but halfway into the forceful arc, my fist stopped and my arm fell to my side. I didn't deserve to be let in.

I turned slowly looking at our dark, empty loft. The everyday mundane bits of our lives lay around me but seeing them didn't bring me comfort. It made me fearful that it was all slipping away. The half read New York Times sat rumpled on the coffee table, bringing an image of Aubrey sitting there in the morning drinking her coffee. The big picture album stuck out of the magazine rack near the desk. It was filled with pictures of our summer trips to Europe and Costa Rica. All these moments that we share become memories but living in the present limits your ability to hold on to them. Immediate feelings fade to rose colored rememberings of what was. If I could just fight the temptation of the present, I could preserve the past and make sure we had a future.

The couch called to me, my only refuge outside of our bed. I lay down on the soft, brown leather surface and pulled the throw that hung over the back of the couch down to cover my body. It smelled of Aubrey because she always curled up with it to study. Tears formed behind my eyes and fell quick and hot down my cheeks.

I was messing this up so badly but I couldn't seem to stop. The plan was never to turn into this person and here I was miserable and alone on the couch. Aubrey may have only been fifty feet away but the door between us was an impassable gulf. Either I had to find a way to get across or everything would disintegrate. Getting my shit together meant figuring this Beca thing out before I lost Aubrey for good.


	6. Living In A Bad Dream

A/N: FINALLY, I had time to sit down and really take a look at this chapter. I am not completely happy with it but I'm tired of staring at these words. You can have them! LOL Anyway, the next chapter should be easier. I will try to update the Olympic story soon as well.

**Lackluster Brillaince: Thank you so much. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I hope you like this one as well. I completely agree with you about the complexity of Aubrey. **

**G: It is a situation that a lot of people have dealt with and it is a difficult one to navigate. I am really enjoying showing everyone's perspective.**

**Blympienachos: You're review definitely made me grin. Thank you so much but please do not explode, it might get a bit messy.**

**Whatizthiz: OH my, thank you. I am so jazzed that you enjoyed it that much. I really want you to feel everyone's side and I am so happy that it seems to be working. I am indeed proud of that chapter! :-)**

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When I woke the sun was streaming in through the window, casting silhouettes onto the wall. I lay there for a few minutes, watching the images evolve as the curtains swayed in the fan's breeze. I didn't want to move and I especially didn't want to start this day. The aftermath of last night was still in me and our bed felt so empty that I would take everything back just to feel Chloe there with me.

The curtain shifted, letting bright light shine in my face so I rolled over. Laying here was not an option because I had somewhere to be and I was already late. Familial duty is what finally got me up. I sat up and glanced behind me at the cold sheets where she should have been. I wrapped my arms around my torso and tried to fend off the chill but I felt gripped by a frost that refused to be chased away. My insides ached from the night of solitude but I blinked back fresh tears.

Before I could give in and reach over and touch Chloe's pristine pillow, I got up and went to take a shower, stopping at the bathroom sink first. When I saw myself in the mirror, I sighed. There were visible streaks where tears had fallen down my cheeks. The salty residue made my skin itch. I turned on the faucet and waited for the water to warm.

More had been stirred up by Beca's return than an old flame. These revelations and repressed feelings that had surfaced needed only a catalyst to explode and force them to the surface. I thought we were solid but this whole time even our foundation had contained weaknesses and secrets that might bring us crumbling down.

Steam clouded the mirror, obscuring my view. My mess of a face was concealed from me and I was happy to not look at it anymore. If I stopped to stare, errant wonderings about the person I was becoming invaded my mind, making it an unsafe place to inhabit. I should trust Chloe and I should try to understand why she was going through this but letting my pride color my decisions was a hard habit to put aside.

I tried to leave these thoughts behind as I hurried to get ready. Once I had showered and put together an acceptable outfit I stood at the bedroom door, wondering what I would find on the other side. I opened the door to hear the soft sounds of sleep. Bright morning light shone through the windows, the beams directing my eyes over to where Chloe lay curled on the couch with only a throw blanket to cover her.

There was no need to wake her so I slipped toward the front door and only paused for a moment to look at the gentle curve of her cheek and the haphazard pattern of her hair spread out over the arm of the couch. Her beauty created a light inside of me, a brightness whose existence I could never deny.

After one last look, I slipped out the front door, closing it quietly. I prayed that this storm would pass as I took the elevator down to the parking garage. If we could get through this it was a sign that Chloe was right about our fate. I wanted to believe that we were meant to be together, but there was still so much unsaid. Complacency had made us weak until we covered the parts of our relationship that scared us. I am not the easiest person to be with and Chloe was the only person who would ever see me down to the soul. She could fit all my broken pieces together and all I wanted was to protect and love her while she did it.

I was surrounded by darkness as I walked across the garage and slipped into my car, but when I drove into the street my head ached as the full force of the sun hit my eyes and I quickly put my sunglasses on. A sunny Saturday morning greeted me while I wished for a quiet, overcast day to match my somber mood.

It was a thirty minute drive to the Equestrian Center and with a little creative driving I made it in twenty. In that time I found myself trying to measure every angle of our situation so that I could take a step back and try to gain some objectivity. I was tired of running on pure emotion and losing my grip on logic. Living with uncertainty was an unattractive prospect. I liked to have control of circumstances and everything seemed to be spinning around me like a top.

In my theory, life was like a series of calculations. If you had the right variables you could always solve the equation but this wasn't clean like that. Life was messy and it often threw whatever it wanted into the mix, leaving me lost and swimming in the numbers. I needed a guide, someone with a natural ability to navigate the ineffable material like emotions and unforeseen events.

Chloe had a special way of looking at all of the variables that compensated for my tendency towards black and white. She brought shades of color to my life and always reminded me that there were perspectives that I was unable to grasp on my own. I grew up thinking that success meant being completely self reliant but Chloe taught me that weakness was not weak. You find strength in taking the hard, messy road and emerging intact.

I parked and left the car in an open spot and sat there for a few moments to collect myself. I could see the paddock in the distance and people milling about getting ready for the event to begin. I made my way through them, weaving in and out of the cars. Crossing through the side of the parking lot, I made it to the brown railing of the practice paddock and lifted one leg and then the other while leaning over so that I could get inside.

My mother stood in the middle of the arena watching my little sister, Georgiana, as she rode over the practice course. The tight set of her lips and steel grey of her eyes told me that she wasn't in a good mood. Nevertheless, I stood beside her followed her sight line as the George took her bay mare over a jump.

"It's about time you showed up," my mother said. Her eyes never strayed from the horse as she took in every movement before the next jump. "You were supposed to meet us at the house so we could all ride over as a family.

"Nice to see you too, Mom," I said. I was in no mood to be guilted but deference got the better of me. "I'm sorry, I overslept and my phone was…"

"Don't let her get two strides in before the second jump, Georgie. Use your legs!"

I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my coat. Apparently, I was going to be ignored for now. I watched George take the jumps again, this time more cleanly.

"That's it, stay focused," my mom bellowed.

I cringed and took a step away. It was always like this when George was riding and at other times it wasn't much better, or at least it hadn't been recently. "I'm just going to go find a seat," I said. George circled the arena again and I took the chance to walk toward the gate that led into the bleacher area.

"Your father is already up in the box. Maybe you can explain to him why you're so late." Her eyes focused on me like a laser. "And why you didn't answer your phone."

My nod indicated defeat. The Posen sense of duty was intrinsic so I knew better than to argue with her right now. Instead, I walked away, toward the box my family paid a hefty fee to reserve all season. The sour feeling in my stomach stopped me from going up directly. I wanted to wander a little longer before facing my Dad. So, I walked toward the concession area only to be intercepted.

"Aubrey Posen!"

The wry tone and sarcastic timbre was familiar. I turned around and saw a young woman in riding boots and breeches walking towards me.

"Blythe," I said, smiling. "I thought you were in Europe working for your Dad."

She stopped, considering me and then opened her arms. We hugged in that awkward way that people who didn't like personal contact did. When I pulled away she shrugged.

"Let's just say that didn't work out," she said.

I chuckled and gave her shoulder a light shove. "I'll interpret that as you got in some kind of trouble and he sent you home." She frowned and then let a grin break out on her face. "What did you do?" For a moment I thought she would brush the question off.

"Did you read about the Ambassador's wife?" She waited until I nodded and then winked.

Her coy gesture made scoff. "You had an affair with the Jaquard's wife?" I only half believed her but I didn't try to contradict it.

"Not one of my proudest moments."

Her face told a different story. Blythe had always been proud of her conquests, even when she shouldn't be. "Doubtful," I replied.

"Eh," she said. "Anyway, how have you been the last few years?"

I tried to think back that far. My past was popping up all over the place. "Great. I graduated from Barden, started medical school, and now I'm just keeping my head down until I get to the fun part."

Her chin dropped and she laughed. "Hold up, medical school? What happened to law school?"

It was my turn to shrug. "I changed my mind or rather I just didn't tell my Dad that I changed the plan until it was too late." That mess was still a sore point with my parents but with Chloe supporting me I had remained steadfast in my decision.

"Wow, never figured you'd defy the parentals like that. You were pretty much on a straight course to corporate lawyer automiton ." She patted me on the shoulder. "Congratulations."

I just smiled and looked out at the arena. They were making the final preparations for the competition to start. The crowd around us started to thin and filter into the stands.

"And what about the love life?"

My attention snapped back to Blythe. I hadn't expected the question, though I should have. "I have a girlfriend, if that's what you want to know."

She shrugged slightly and gave me a crooked smile. "That's all I get?" Her roguish charm was still effective after all these years because I couldn't help but grin.

"Yes, that's all you get because I have to go up. They're about to start." I motioned to the stadium where they had just announced the first competitor. As much as I didn't want to go pretend to be the perfect daughter while I felt like part of my heart was imploding, it was an obligation I couldn't gracefully throw away.

"I'm hosting a little get together tonight at the house. I'm looking after it till my parents get back. You should come. We could catch up and you look like you could use a little fun." She reached around and hugged me again before I could react. "It was good to see you again."

The sincerity in her tone struck me. Blythe had always been one to rely on sarcasm and avoid displays of emotion. Sometimes I forgot that people change. Thinking that everything would always be the same was a mistake I was making a lot lately. Maybe I had been oblivious and was just starting to wake up to the transient nature of everything and everyone.

She pulled back and eyed me. "Promise me that you'll consider coming by tonight?" There was no way to escape the solid expectation contained in her eyes.

"Yes, of course, I'll think about it." I felt a genuine smile coming on for the first time in days. "And it was good to see you too." I squeezed her hand and turned to go as she stepped away. It seemed that my past was coming to visit as well.

Not being able to avoid it any longer, I made my way up the ramp and down the walkway to the box where my father sat. He was busy looking at what I presumed was email or a text on his phone. "Hey, Dad," I said. The seat beside him was taken up by a bag so I sat in the next one over.

"Aubrey," he said. The heavy sigh of disappointment made me wish for the comparative warmth of my cold bed.

"I'm sure you had a good reason for being late so I won't ask you about it." He looked over, laser like attention focused on me now instead of the phone. I was used to the heat of his stare.

"I'm sorry," I said. There was no point in trying to come up with an explanation and he wouldn't even hear me if I did. I couldn't tell him the truth even so it was a useless exercise. "How are you?" Changing the subject was always best.

He put his phone away in his jacket pocket and looked down at the arena. "I'm doing fine. How's school?"

It was a typical question and though it didn't contain the sting it once did the hint of disapproval in his tone was still there. "It's going well. All A's and I'm looking forward to clinical rotations next year."

His lips formed a thin, tight line for a second. "Good." His tone softened. "Medicine is an good field. I'm glad you're excelling."

Politics was a strange animal and I knew that to navigate that world my father had focused on appearance, exerting control over how we were presented as a family. It was a trait that bordered on genetic. His father had been the same. The Posens had been important players in Atlanta for generations.

Maybe he was giving me an inch but I wasn't going to push for anything other than that little piece of ground. "Thank you," was all I could say.

The PA system blared to life, a welcome distraction. I could see my Mom standing at the fence. She would be heading up soon and then more questions would start. My Dad rarely wanted details of my social life, probably because Mom was already all over that. I had made an art of dodging her inquisitions and set ups but I feared the day was nearing that she would get tired of me passing my lack of boyfriend off on being too busy to socialize. She hadn't asked about it in awhile though and it put me on guard.

I gave my Dad a good hard look. Understanding Chloe's frustration because of our secret still didn't allow me to get near the edge. I could feel the pressure building and eventually It was going to come out, even if we didn't make it as a couple. I just needed a little more time. We still weren't over the medical school issue. If he was still bitter on some level about that what would his reaction be to me coming out. On top of that I had been hiding my relationship from them for over two years now. The more I thought about it the more nauseous I became. It was like a fifty megaton nuclear bomb waiting to flatten what was left of my relationship with my parents.

It was a long two hours of sitting and going through great pains not to say anything off color. My patience had grown thin, but I enjoyed watching George ride. She won the competition and I watched my Mom fawn over her and my father praise her and it made me wonder what would have happened if I had gone to law school. Would they still think I was the golden child? My sister had taken over that position and but I still couldn't understand what was so horrible about taking a different but equally valuable route from the one they had led me down.

When George looked at me I could see that she wouldn't do what I did. She would go to law school and marry a nice boy because she saw exactly what happened if you defied the rules. I was the example. Seeing the three of them together told me how different they treated me now. I guess I just never wanted to believe it. How the hell was I ever going to tell them that I was gay. If med school was bad, this would be a tragedy.

I made my excuses quickly, congratulating and hugging George before I hurried off. There was no way I could go home and face Chloe right now, not with failure fresh in my mind. I bounded up the steps to the seating area and ran down the ramp. "Hey," I yelled Blythe turned around and grinned like she was reading my mind.

"Is it still okay if I come along?"

….

When Blythe had told me that this was a get together, I had assumed it would be a few of her friends, maybe along the lines of a small house party. I was wrong. The house was lit from ceiling to floors and there were very tall ceilings in Blythe's parents' house. I shuddered to think of their electric bill.

Inside loud techno beats, nothing I had ever heard before, pounded off of the walls, making my eardrums feel vaguely assaulted. I walked through the foyer, following the music through the house until I came to the huge family room that called to mind a ballroom, rather than a cozy place for people to gather.

A huge picture window overlooked a large rock pool. I could see people swimming in it despite the temperature. Of course, it would be heated. The lights were dimmed and I could only see clearly when the flashes of light that cascaded around the darkened room.

I scanned the crowd, looking for Blythe. There was a large wet bar along the wall to my left. It was crowded with people moving in and out of the area and I could see a guy serving drinks. A flash of motion caught my eye. It was Blythe who was sitting with some other people not far from the bar. There was a large modern sectional sofa, a table, and some chairs all arranged in a rectangle. Blythe's parties had definitely gotten a little more sophisticated than the ones she threw when we were in high school together.

I took a deep breath and walked toward her. Since she had to make sure everything was set up for the party I had gone out to get some dinner before driving out to Blythe's. While I was sitting there, unable to actually get any food down Chloe had texted twice, wondering where I was and instead of answering, I shoved my phone into my pocket. Maybe it was childish but I was afraid and being scared made me avoid the anger I still felt.

Everything was making me mad right now. My parents, Beca, how Chloe had acted the night before, and my mind. It felt like a beast was crawling around inside of me and the only name I could give it was antipathy. I needed to shut it down. This was like living in a bad dream.

When I got to the seating area Blythe patted the couch beside her. There were a few people with her, a guy and two girls, one of which was practically sitting in Blythe's lap. I looked at them all once before I sat down. Maybe this isn't where I should be right now but I wasn't going to leave. Here I didn't have to think and I didn't have to be Aubrey Posen, the girl who did everything that was expected of her.

"Aubrey, this is James, Genna, and Lilly." Blythe pointed at each person, ending with the girl that was sitting next to her.

James smiled at me, more of a smirk really. "Nice to meet you," he said. Then, he turned to Blythe and nodded. "You didn't tell me how pretty she was."

Blythe rolled her eyes, leaned forward and gave him a hard stare. "You're not her type, James. So, cool it." He held his hand up and looked me up and down. Challenge was in his every movement.

"Definitely not," I said and grimaced.

Before he could even react the others were laughing at his defeat. Blythe started to stand up. "I'll get you a drink."

James stopped her by raising the same hand he had earlier. "I'll do it. I know when I'm beat."

I watched him stride off in the direction of the bar and then turned back to the girls but a change in the music caught me off guard. The bass line was so loud it made me want to cover my ears but I resisted. "I thought you invited me to a gathering, not a rave," I said and shook my head.

Blythe just laughed and shrugged. "What can I say? When I throw a party, I throw a party."

James came back with the drink and handed it to me. It was small, maybe two ounces worth of liquid. "What is this?"

He pushed my hand up toward my mouth. "It's my speciality. The V-2. Drink up, you look like you need to loosen up."

Famous last words. The next thing I remember after taking that shot was my phone vibrating in my pocket. The world was fuzzy and blurred, like I had just taken my contacts out. I worked my hand free of whatever was holding it down on the couch and tugged at my phone. It didn't come free easily and I fumbled with it for a minute before I got it out.

The screen was lit up and my ringtone played but I couldn't seem to find the right spot to hit on the screen. I felt like I was waking up but I couldn't escape that moment right when you are just becoming conscious, that limbo where you're between a dream and the morning you wished wouldn't come.

A dull shape invaded my vision and took the phone away from me. I looked up and vaguely recognized Blythe. She put the phone to her ear and was talking. My forehead scrunched. I couldn't make out what she was saying and I just gave up and closed my eyes. I didn't want to be awake.

When I woke up I was in a car and Blythe was tugging at my arm. I tried to pull away but she was stronger than I was in my state. I felt like a fleet of giants were jumping around in my head. It pounded and ached. I was still a little woozy. She pulled at me until I rolled to the side and let one leg fall out of the car.

"What, the hell," I muttered, as the rest of me followed my leg. I would have fallen straight onto the concrete if she hadn't caught me.

"Come on, sleepy head." Her voice hurt my ears and I couldn't figure out why she was talking so loud.

"What was in that drink?" I asked. It came out a little slurred but I knew she could understand me.

She put her arm around my shoulders and supported me as we walked toward the building. "I think James may have put something in it."

The words confused me because I couldn't remember who that was. I looked up and saw the elevators in front of us. She had brought me home. When the doors opened we stumbled our way to the back of the elevator where she propped me between her side and the wall.

I was just glad we had stopped moving. The ding as we passed each floor sounded in time with each pound inside my skull. I pushed on my right temple, trying to get it to go away but a migraine had set in. Nothing but water, medicine, and sleep was going to help me now.

Sleep, I wanted it so badly that I was ready to lay down in that elevator car and pass out, but the doors opened and we were in motion again. Blythe pulled me along, probably a little faster than was necessary. This was probably not how she had intended to end her night.

A thought occurred to me. "How do you know where I live?" I turned my head and saw the irritation on her face.

"Your girlfriend called you and I answered. I thought it would be easier for me to bring you than for her to come get you."

"Oh," I said.

We stopped abruptly and with great effort I removed my chin from my chest and let my head fall back. The numbers 714 swam into view and my face scrunched. Blythe was knocking on the door and to me it sounded like a hammer on a gong.

It swung open and I felt a sudden rush of emotion. Chloe was there looking back at us. The set of her shoulders and the lines of her face were set hard. She was the most angry and the most worried I had ever seen her. It was then that the full measure of how much I had screwed up dawned on me.

I reached out, wanting to explain, but the words were jumbled. I couldn't think, I could only feel trapped by my inebriation. Funny how things work out. The very feeling of clarity that I had gone seeking came to me at the moment where it troubled me the most.

She helped Blythe bring me inside and set me down on the bed. They left me there and I let my body fall into the soft mattress. I could hear them talking from where I was, just murmurs of words I probably didn't want to hear anyway. I flipped onto my back and waited.

Chloe came minutes later and sat down on the edge of the bed, facing me. The tense string of our feelings were there between us and suddenly I couldn't stand it. She wouldn't talk and I couldn't so I just sat up and reached out, taking her by the shoulders and crushing our bodies together. She didn't resist but her arms were slow to wind around me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.


	7. Paper Back Girl

A/N: Alright, this did not go according to the outline so you can blame it on the moscato. (really it tasted more like moonshine mixed with juice). What can I say, I got the feels.

ballpointmf: Thanks! ;-) Hearing from you guys always inspires me to keep 'em coming.

LacklusterBrilliance: Aww, you're going to make me bashful. I love Blythe also (obviously). I seriously have this whole headcanon where they hooked up in high school. It's shamefully detailed. Well, pissed off is so much better than indifferent! Just wait till you read this.

Blympienachos: That is possibly the highest compliment that I could ever receive! Thank you so much! With a review like that how could I not write 500 more. ;-) Aubrey is such a pleasure to write and I feel like I have a better handle on her than the others.

* * *

The Bellas reunion wasn't my idea. The whole drive over I just had to remind myself that this wasn't supposed to be a scary thing. It was just that hadn't seen my friends in so long and I had no idea things would be the same or not. When I went to LA there had been no goodbyes and no communication at all. Maybe I hadn't explicitly told them after the finals that I would be back next year to pick up where we had left off but it was implied. These girls had become a sort of odd family for me and there was nothing that was more complicated than family for me.

It was strange to actually care what people thought, and maybe It's really corny but they were the first people that I really opened up to maybe ever. So, I was standing at the door wondering which way this was going to go, hoping for acceptance but planning for rejection. I swallowed, straightened my shoulders, and sighed. It was now or never.

As soon as I raised a fist to knock the door opened and I stepped back a little. Fat Amy stood on the other side large as life. "Becccccca!" She reached out and grabbed me by the shoulders and yanked me through the doorway. I guess it was going to be acceptance.

My eyes nearly popped out of my head as she pulled me into a crushing hug. From the smell of her breath and the sound of her heavily accented slur she was a few drinks in already. "Hey Amy," I said, patting her back as she continued to hug me. She finally let me go and held me at arm's length.

"S'nice to see you, B. Now, get in here and tell us all about LA." She flounced back to the couch and picked up a glass full of clear liquid with a cherry floating in it. "Like, did you meet any celebrities or agents? Because…."

The shouts and welcomes of the other girls drowned her out. I hugged them all in turn. Jessica, Stacie, Lilly, Denise, Ashley, Cynthia Rose, and then I came to the end and was face to face with Chloe. We stood, uncertain of what to do, but at last she pulled me in and wrapped her arms around me. It was nice, just a simple hug, but it reminded me how much I missed touching her. Awkwardness invaded again and we stepped away from each other. The air seemed a little thicker all of a sudden so I had to turn away for fear of everything showing.

All of these words wanted to be spoken, just like every time I had been around Chloe since I came back. Truths and promises threatened to spill out of me but I held them back for so many reasons. We just stood there not looking at one another while the other girls carried on around us, all distracted by a fresh bottle of vodka.

My arm was jostled and a drink was shoved into my hand. When I that away I saw that Stacie was rescuing me. She had always been a lot more observant than people gave her credit for. I stepped away, wishing for a break from the pull that made me want Chloe.

There was a seat open between Amy and Stacie that was on the other side of the room so I took the opportunity to put that distance between us. It was only ten feet but it helped. I needed to let myself get absorbed by the group rather than paying attention to what my heart was screaming but every few seconds my eyes strayed back over to see her trying to pay attention and failing.

She looked good in her tall brown boots, skinny jeans, and a dark blue sweater. I remembered always wishing that I could look as good as she did in things like that. Rather than wearing clothes, she made them into an accompaniment that accentuated her beauty. It wasn't a huge leap to the memory of taking those clothes off of her. It was still vivid after two years no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. I didn't want to go there, especially since we were in the same room. The sudden feeling of cold wetness on my leg redirected my mind.

Amy had leaned over and spilled her drink on my jeans. My hands shot up as her head lowered towards my lap to inspect the damage. "Dude, it's cool," I said. I tried to shoo her away from me but somehow she had found a paper towel and was dabbing at my leg. Her hand was getting dangerously close to a very bad area. "Woah, Amy." I scooted away and tried to stand.

The girls were all laughing except Chloe who was staring at her phone. I pushed Amy's hand away and scoffed, but I couldn't help but smile. "Wait a minute. I've got this," Amy said, her eyes scrunching in concentration as she came at me again with the paper towel.

I grabbed her wrists and gently pushed her back and tried to keep her away from my crotch. Cynthia Rose put her arm around Amy and handed her another drink as a distraction. My eyes shot across the room again to see that Chloe was gone. Confusion suffused me and I looked around, meeting Stacie's eyes.

She nodded her head toward the balcony and mouthed the word go at me. I sucked in air and tried to gather myself. Aubrey wasn't here and I hadn't wondered why until now, but I figured she didn't want to be around me, but maybe there was more to it. Chloe had come though, that had to mean something. So, I pushed myself off the couch and went to the sliding door that led to the balcony.

When I pushed it open the cold breeze hit me. I hadn't brought my jacket but I wasn't going back. I stepped out and stood next to Chloe. She was looking down at the city. The lights glowed in the distance, creating a sea of different colors. "Pretty," I said.

"Yeah," she said.

I could hear it in her voice and the sniff after. She was trying not to cry. Chloe had always been someone swayed easily by strong emotion but crying wasn't something that she did in public unless it was out of happiness. "Hey, you okay?"

She looked at me, eyes searching mine. She needed a friend right now and that was what I was going to try to be. I had to be strong enough to do that because I had always made this about me and it wasn't right now. I steeled myself because both of us needed me to step up.

"Yeah," she said. "It's nothing." Her phone was still in her hand, open to a text conversation. I could see Aubrey's name at the top and a lot of unanswered texts. She saw me looking and shoved the phone in her pocket. I hadn't meant to look but it was obvious that something was wrong and I wanted to help. After hurting her so much, I just wanted to prove that I could be something good in her life.

Her eyes lowered to the lights below us again and I wasn't sure she was going to answer me. "You just seem bummed and I wanted to make sure everything was alright." Still no answer. "I know I probably messed everything up again but I want to fix it. I'm going to do better." I nodded with certainty and moved a little closer. "We're still friends, right?" I tried to leave out the pleading tone but some of it was there. "I know Aubrey probably hates me and that makes things hard but I want us to be friends. I want to be someone you can talk to."

She turned on me and I could feel her heart aching like it was mine. That's how much emotion she was giving off. Light glinted off of the icicles, making flashes in her eyes, or maybe they were just there, buried in the blue of her irises.

"Beca, you don't understand, neither of you do." Her hands were balled into fists and I saw them raise, her knuckles white with tension. "I didn't ask for any of this. I was happy being single and having fun. Then, you came along and it got complicated."

She stopped when my hand slid along the railing towards her. It was an unconscious gesture but I was suddenly very conscious of everything. The feelings that were bubbling up inside me and the way they turned into reassurances that I wanted to give her. She stepped back, just a little, but it was enough. Words froze in my throat.

"Then, you left and things got more complicated because Aubrey was there, telling me that she had always wanted me. All I could think was that this is what I've been waiting for, someone who actuallyloves me and will stick around. Aubrey was always someone I could count on. But now there are these things missing and I don't know if she will ever be able to give them to me. So, now you're back and I can't seem to process that."

She leaned back against the railing, her head hovering over the edge, and her face to the sky. "I can't think; it's too hard." Drops fell from the roof onto her forehead but she didn't wipe them away or come back under the protection of the eaves. "I love Aubrey so much but I also have feelings for you that won't go away." She spun to look at me. "I just don't know what kind of feelings they are."

The hope that I had been beating down ever since I found out about Chloe and Aubrey was back and it had brought friends. Her actions and words had convinced me that she didn't feel the same way and maybe she still didn't, but could I just give up that chance to find out? There was no way. Giving into the feelings meant that all the walls would come down again.

I found myself, once again, standing on the edge of action and unable to remember the promises I had made to myself. Maybe giving in to compulsion wasn't always a bad thing. Before I could think anymore or consider the consequences; I took three steps and kissed her.

Her lips were still and I pressed into them harder. Her hands came to my arms and I could feel her pushing at me, just a little, but I wouldn't let her go. Then, she opened to me and her lips moved against mine for a second, but that was it. Her grip tightened and she shoved hard, detaching herself and stumbling back.

We were both breathing hard and staring at each other. Shock ran through me and I realized that I had fallen against the side of the balcony. Wood dug into my back but I let it, welcoming the physical pain. Her hand went to her lips. I was afraid she would wipe the kiss away, but she just blew past me, pushed the door open and left.

I stood there, watching her gather her things and talking to Stacie. In two minutes she was out the door. That was when I wanted nothing more than to not exist because the real pain that was going to come soon was all of my own making. Failing again when I had such good intentions was my past, present, and future.


	8. As if There Was Trouble Ahead

**A/N: Chloe's chapter and the beginning of the crazy spiral of emotions. Thanks for reading and reviewing you guys!**

**G: Glad to hear from you! I'm afraid this chapter just gives you more questions than answers but I hope you like the ride. Sorry that your schedule has been so hectic but I hope it slows down for you. ;-)**

**Blympienachos: Well, I'm sorry your mum was alarmed but I have to admit that the mental picture gave me a chuckle. I am so happy to her that I've given you the feels because that just means I'm doing something right but remember everything has to fall apart before it can be put back together. Thanks a lot for reviewing! Maybe I can get the next chapter out a little sooner so you don't have to wait so long. I will at least shoot for it.**

* * *

On the way home it was impossible not to replay that kiss over and over. Beca was like gravity pulling me in and I would always give up a little bit of myself to her. I just knew that I belonged to Aubrey and she to me. Betrayal, even on this scale, was unforgivable, at least I feared she would feel that way. I wanted to hate Beca but there really was no definite right or wrong in my heart.

Not knowing where Aubrey was made everything worse. Every day seemed to be bringing another situation that put us on shaky ground. Guilt hit me triple fold but there was a tinge of frustration held within it. When I woke up she was gone and there was no note, no text. I could guess where she went but not when she would be home, if she would be home. As morning turned to night worry had begun to wear on me, impairing even my social skills. It had become impossible to focus on the other girls at the Bellas reunion.

I unlocked the door and pushed it open, surprised that I was had reached my destination without realizing that I was traveling. Disturbing thoughts detailing the possible fallout of my situation had kept me busy for the entire fifteen minute drive. I had to figure this out before I lost Aubrey and destroyed any friendship I could have with Beca. If that was even what I wanted.

The keys slipped from my hand and clattered to the floor but I didn't pick them up, my hands flew to my temples and pressed hard. I began questioning everything I knew about my heart. The couch looked so comfortable and it welcomed me as I slid into its softness. Beca was a surprise, an invader supplanting my self-control. I only lost it for a second but it happened. Did that mean that I wanted Beca? Even if I did, throwing away a two year relationship with someone I loved didn't seem right.

This feeling was so unfamiliar. Anger burned me down deep and it made me want to go crazy but I couldn't. I just sat there, head back, and stared at the exposed pipes running across the ceiling. Wishing for relief but knowing that there was none, I wondered if I could really do it, break someone's heart. It would probably happen either way and in the end I would be broken for causing the damage.

Conflictual thoughts merged and diverged like angles inside of me. I rolled over and buried my face in the back of the couch, hoping to smother the feelings inside of me. There was trouble ahead, I could feel it. Tears left my eyes to soak the fabric of the couch. I needed Aubrey's strength right now, to have her arms around me. It was a comforting thought but no more than that.

Flipping over, I pulled my phone out of my pocket where it had been ever since before the kiss, and checked my texts. Darkness rose inside me and I hit the phone icon, calling Aubrey. Right before it went to voicemail someone said hello, but the voice wasn't right.

"Uh… hello?"

A pause descended and sounds of shuffling in the background filled my ears. "Aubrey?" Voices, a lot of them, vaguely came across and then stopped.

"Hi, sorry is this Aubrey's girlfriend?"

It was a pleasant voice, one I had never heard before. There was a moment of disappointment at that it wasn't Aubrey but having someone finally answer me gave me a certain rush of energy. "Yes, it is. Can you tell me where she is? Is she okay?" The words came with a quick need.

"She's okay but she did have a few drinks and I really don't think she will be able to drive home."

It had been years since Aubrey had indulged in enough alcohol to impair her like this. Her usual tight control over her appearance in public coupled with the demands of a heavy school load had left her little inclination or time. The behavior was so beyond what I expected from her. Maybe it was one more sign of the fissures within our relationship.

"Well tell me where she is and I'll come get her." The seconds ticked by without answer and I lifted the phone away from my face to check the time. It was almost eleven. "Hello?"

The line crackled. "Sorry, I was just… you know it would probably be better if I just brought her to you. Aubrey knows where it is so you can come get her car tomorrow."

This was all getting more and more odd, diverting from our formerly peaceful lives. "You never told me who you are." The identity of the person on the other end of the line had been secondary to making sure that Aubrey was alright.

"My name is Blythe."

I sucked in a breath. "As in Aubrey's high school girlfriend, Blythe?" I was intimately familiar with their exploits after years of being friends and even more. Sharing stories of the past was one way they had gotten closer.

Blythe sighed into the phone. "I guess you could say that."

One more thing to pile on top of this shitty night. She told me about Blythe years ago. One of those nights where you end up stumbling into your dorm room at three in the morning drunk out of your mind. We sat around the living room, my head on Aubrey's lap, talking about everything and nothing. I always told her about my relationships but Aubrey never brought hers up until that night. Sophomore year we had become closer. It was such a gradual penetration of her walls that I didn't really notice it until she was halfway through telling me about her high school fling and how it had ended badly. Now, somehow she was back.

"You shouldn't drive her over here if you've been drinking." I was tired and sad. Every word felt heavy.

"Apparently, Aubrey told you everything but the fact I don't drink," she said. The words were short and clipped. "Don't worry, just give me the address and I'll get here there safe and sound."

There was no reason to fight her anymore so I agreed and gave her the address. I sat down to wait, pulling the nearby throw blanket over my body. The air in the loft was freezing and I pulled my legs into my body as far as they would go. My head dropped onto my arms which lay on top of my knees. I tried to become as small as possible, to pull into myself so that I was no more than square inch of anger, guilt, and broken will. My world was unraveling all around me but instead of watching it I wanted to be oblivious.

I sat like that for an hour, in a trance of thoughtlessness, when the doorbell rang. My head was heavy as I lifted it to blink into the dim glow that the kitchen light shone into the room. One by one, I straightened my arms and legs until my feet touched the floor and my hands rested on the couch cushion on either side of me. When I pushed myself up the ache in my feet made my steps painful.

The door swung open easily and on the other side was Aubrey being supported by a girl, a very pretty girl. Without a word, I reached out to grab Aubrey's hand and wrapped her arm around my shoulders, taking most of her weight onto me. She smelled weird, like a mix of her perfume, alcohol, and sweat. It was unpleasant and tried not to think about what could have happened to create the mixture.

Blythe helped me take her into the bedroom and lay her down. Her hand gripped my t-shirt and she wouldn't let go of me until I assured her that I would be back in a second. Her slurred words frightened me. I was stuck in this bind between wanting to crawl up next to her and pretend that everything was okay and the urge to scream every single obscenity I could think of until I was spent and lifeless.

I just looked down at her for a long time before Blythe cleared her throat. She was standing awkwardly in the doorway to our bedroom, looking like she was afraid that she was trespassing. My nostrils flared and I left Aubrey there, mumbling incoherent words, to show her out.

We walked to the door and she opened it, turning to look at me. Her lips pursed and she shrugged. "Well, I guess I'll be going. I would say it was nice to meet you but it was just kind of awkward."

The way she stood there one foot in our loft and one foot in the carpet of the hallway reminded me of the stories Aubrey had told me. "So, you just got her drunk enough to pass out and then brought her home? Where were you guys? She couldn't pick up her own phone?"

She took a step back and grinned. "Seriously?" Neither of us moved an inch, unwilling to give up ground. "Look, all I know is that Aubrey needed to blow off some steam and she chose to do it with me. I didn't get her drunk and I sure as hell didn't make her do anything she didn't want to do."

Her sarcasm infuriated me and the implication was like a fire source for every feeling that coursed through me. I gripped the door and waited for it to all come to the surface. I could feel my lips tense and release, a sure sign that an explosion was coming. "Whatever," I said in a cold hard whisper and slammed the door in her face.

Going back to the bedroom wasn't a smart idea right now but I had to. There was a force bigger than my will that propelled my steps until I was nearly jogging across the wood floor. When I reached the side of the bed I slowed to a halt. Aubrey was turned onto her side, arms reaching out into my side of the bed.

I sat down beside her so that I could see her face, but the movement of the bed made her come to life. She pulled me in and wrapped herself around me, whispering an apology. I was so used to forgiving her without questioning if it was fair to me but I just couldn't this time. Too much had happened and I was all out of excuses.

I hugged her back, considering what I needed to yell at her for first. "Why didn't you pick up your phone?" The cold steel of my words surprised me and her. She leaned back, her arms sliding from my back to my arms. Her eyes were cloudy and unfocused.

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't. I was with my family."

I shook my head and gripped her wrists. "But you could have texted me, at least told me that you were okay. I was going fucking crazy not knowing." Her eyes got wider and anger sparked in them. I never, ever talked to her like this. "You know how I feel about things like that, how worried I get."

"O...kay, I said I was sorry." Her face softened. "Can we please just go to sleep. I'm so tired and I just want to hold you."

"No, we can't," I said. "Not when I still have no idea where you were and how the hell you hooked up with your ex who isn't even supposed to be in the country."

She leaned her head back until it was resting on the headboard but it shot up again at the mention of Blythe. "If you're going to ask that question, you also have to tell me what happened between you and your ex the other night."

"Beca is not my ex," I spat. "And nothing happened." Guilt made me stop there because I remembered that something had happened, something that Aubrey wouldn't be able to understand. "This is stupid." I stood up and released her. "I'm going to sleep on the couch and maybe tomorrow we can actually talk about this like adults."

"Chloe," she said and reached out for my arm. If I had been just a little quicker she wouldn't have caught me but Aubrey had always been faster than me. She pulled me back down. "I don't care what's going on with us right now. I just need you." Her hair was all messy and the sadness in her eyes bored into me, tapping into that empathy at my core. I had never been good at standing up to Aubrey before and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to resist now.

She came closer, her hair falling forward as she leaned in. Instinct made me close my eyes and my lips parted. It was slow and excruciating but finally we made contact and my heart gave a jolt. This was my home, comfortable but exciting. I scooted closer and put my hands on her cheeks. It was the perfect kiss at the worst possible time because when it ended all the things dividing us were still there defying our need to be connected in every way possible.

We parted and I kept my eyes closed, wishing that it wasn't over, but I couldn't ignore the gnawing doubt any longer. Just hours earlier, when Aubrey was god knows where, another person had kissed me, and though it was completely different from this kiss, it was one of the things that threatened life as we knew it.

"I can't," I whispered. "Not until we really talk."

Her face, so vulnerable and open, closed immediately and she broke all physical contact with me. It was my sign to go. So, I did. That long walk to the living room was the hardest of my life because everything within my body was torn, parts screamed at me to stay and some pushed me to go.

When I sat down on the couch and heard the muffled sob through the open bedroom door I knew that there was no going back to the pseudo perfect life that we had been living. There was only going forward and the ripping of hearts and rebuilding of connections. I had no idea where the next day would lead but the momentum was already too much to fight against.

I didn't want to lose Aubrey but I wasn't going to go on prioritizing her needs above my own. After years, I finally saw the worn edges of my soul. I had changed and I didn't like this person. I wanted to be me again. Maybe Aubrey would love me more for that or maybe she wouldn't but we both needed this.

I knew I wouldn't sleep tonight so I stared down out the window, trying to ignore the reflection of the walls in the glass. I needed to be outside of this place for a little while, but I was too tired to move. I dreaded the morning but I could see it coming in the dull blue lightness that was coming to the horizon. My hair fell around my face as I leaned forward. "No more hiding," I whispered into the dawn.


	9. My Love's Too Big For You

**A/N: So, I've been sick for the past week and I fear this isn't as strong a finish on this chapter as I would like but I don't want to make you guys wait. So, here it is. As always thank you for reading and reviewing! I promise I will address those who reviewed specifically when I post again but I need to get to bed. Happy reading!**

**I've been posting the song for each chapter on my tumblr post so if anyone wants the playlist thus far let me know. I just realized that I haven't been posting it here. **

**Chapter song: Sort Of - Ingrid Michaelson **

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She left me to sleep alone again last night. Not that I blame her after what's been going on with us. I just don't know how to get us back to right. It's a terrible feeling to doubt the person you trust most in the world. I didn't doubt that she loved me, just that there wasn't some part of her that hadn't let go of Beca after all this time. I'm not sure that I could deal with any part of her belonging to someone else.

The bed felt wrong without her so I abandoned it to slip into the living room. It was early and I knew she would still be asleep. Chloe had the ability to pass out during any stressful time. It was as if she was sapped of all energy. Me, the anxiety queen? After the alcohol and whatever toxic crap was in that shot wore off I was still wide awake.

All I wanted was to crawl up beside her, despite what was going on. No gulf between us could make me not want her and no cannonball of doubt could destroy the need that ate me from inside out. I made a decision, not really a decision really, but a concession to my own emotional compulsion.

I slipped onto the end of the couch near her feet. It was a huge couch, one I had picked out myself because we could both fit on it. It was easy to slide behind and pull the blanket over both of us without causing too much disturbance. I sighed in relief when I felt her heat through the thin fabric of her t-shirt. The connection was there, even in the silent repose of her sleep.

Her legs tangled with mine and I was surprised when I felt her hand sneak back and grab my own, pulling my arm across her abdomen and keeping it there, like a treasure. "Your feet are cold," she whispered. I maneuvered the blanket with my feet until my cold skin was no longer touching hers warm legs.

I was surprised that I had woken her up but so very happy to find that even in the midst of uncertainty, she still let me in, even just enough to take comfort in her physical nearness. Before thought stopped me, I leaned forward and kissed the skin in the crook of her neck, her hair tickled my nose and the feel of her skin gave me solace.

It was like so many other times that we had been together like this that a surreal sense of reality set in, forcing me to slam shut the gates of my mind. I just wanted to be here with her, without the bits of pollution to sully the simplicity of intimacy.

She is still mine and I am hers. The words comforted me as I slipped into a deep sleep. Warm and safe; happy and content… for the moment.

Soon enough morning came and my sleepy eyes opened to a close up of Chloe's back. I lay still and let wakefulness come to me slowly but she was two steps ahead.

"Aubrey," she said. My name sounded sweet rolling off her tongue. It had a breathy quality, something I wouldn't normally notice.

"Yeah?" A shadow of fear was within me as I closed my eyes, trying to ward it off. My arm tightened around her and the grip of her fingers on mine increased ever so slightly.

"What's wrong with us?" She let the silence remain for a moment before she shifted, turning to face me. It was difficult with so little room between us but she managed and I was staring into blue now. Her wide eyes and quick breath signaled that there was a dam about to break. One that held back tears neither of us wanted shed.

"I don't know," I answered, trying to keep my own composure. "I think we've been hiding from each other a little." I bit my lip. "That sounds stupid. I mean…"

"No, I get it," she said. "I just think we don't talk enough anymore." She pushed back the hair that fell into my eyes. "We got in this routine and just kind of forgot to communicate."

I caught her hand and held it to my cheek. "And I kind of acted like an idiot," I said. Admitting it out loud gave it perspective. Taking a step towards some kind of resolution had the dual feeling of relief and a leap off the tallest cliff. "I'm sorry about last night…. and everything else."

Being this close to her made it hard not to just want to kiss the doubt away but I refrained and instead let my fingers lazily graze the side of her face. "I want to tell my parents but I just don't know if I can take the fallout. I'm already kind of on thin ice."

Chloe stopped the movement of my hand. "I know and half of me feels like a selfish asshole for pushing you on it but I don't know how long I can do this. Sometimes I feel like I'm living a half life and I hate lying to your family." She sighed. "Maybe I just won't go anywhere I might see them for awhile."

"If that's what you need to do then I understand." This meant I wouldn't have Chloe there for support at any more family functions until I came clean. That was a sacrifice that I was willing to make. "But I swear I will tell them. Maybe we can talk about it more. You know, later but right now I was kind of enjoying just laying with you." I felt bad for wanting to change the subject but I was tired of not enjoying my time with my girlfriend. We needed this and everything else could wait.

"Okay," she said. That particular glow was back in her eyes. The one that meant that she was enjoying our closeness as much as I was. I leaned forward and met her smiling lips. For the first time in days, I lost myself in her.

That is, until the doorbell sounded. I frowned and looked over. "Who the hell could that be?" The clock above the fireplace read one thirty. We had slept for far longer than I thought. There was no way I was going to answer the door in a t-shirt and underwear. "I'm going to go take a quick shower and get dressed. Will you get the door?"

"Sure," Chloe said. "Probably just a Jehovah's Witness or something," she muttered, disappointed. She looked just as perplexed as I did but she was definitely far more presentible than I was so with a quick kiss I slid away from her, sad for the loss of her skin on mine but laughing for the first time in weeks. My feet made little slapping sounds on the wood floor as I beat a path for the bedroom where I pushed the door until it was only open a crack.

I searched through the closet for a fresh set of clothes, remembering that the shirt I was looking for was in the dryer. I bit my lip and considered the options. I wanted the shirt. It was silly but I wanted to feel pretty today and that shirt always did the trick. Chloe had given it to me last Christmas.

I remembered my reaction when I opened it. I was dubious when I first took it out of the box but the joy on Chloe's face had convinced me to try it on as soon as we were done exchanging gifts. Sure enough she had been right. The shape was perfect for my body and the deep blue made my eyes half as luminous as Chloe's. I could live with that.

Memories like that where what I needed right now. I reveled in it as I went to peek out the bedroom door to see if Chloe had gotten rid of whoever was at the door, but I was met with a view Chloe standing opposite of someone with long brown hair and the sound of murmured voices.

Whoever it was, they were hidden behind the pillar of the entryway. I leaned forward a little to improve my view. I recognized the voice and my shock suffused my body. Beca was here. My heart sank and then anger replaced it. I quickly stepped into the pants I was holding in my hand and opened the door.

"You didn't tell her about the kiss did you?"

Beca's words stopped me in my tracks.

"Keep your voice down," Chloe scolded. "No, I didn't tell her. Now, I need you to"

I found myself beside Chloe before I even realized that I had moved. "Hello, Beca," I said, the words as bitter cold as ice.

"Aubrey," Chloe said. Her tone was pleading and desperate.

I gave a short laugh and shook my head. I didn't want to hear that right now. I had no sympathy to give and the object of my rage was right in front of me. "I suggest you leave," I said. The threat dripped off every word. "Before I make you leave."

"Listen, it was all my fault, not Chloe's… I kissed her."

My head turned slightly to the side. "Figures," I said, advancing on her. She backed away and I kept coming until she was standing on the other side of the threshold. "Goodbye, Beca" I slammed the door in her face and turned my attention on my girlfriend. "So, she kissed you." I wasn't even really aware of anything but the hot feelings coursing through me. "Did you kiss her back?"

"It's more complicated than that," she said.

"So, you did," I accused. "Great, I guess that makes this easy."

"What do you mean?" She asked, coming towards me with her hands up.

I let her come and when she got to me, she grabbed my hands. The touch burned and everything in me wanted to rip my hands away but the steel inside me made me stay.

"I didn't kiss her back," she said. Her eyes were wet with tears. "Aubrey, please, don't do anything crazy."

"I don't believe you," I spat. I broke away from her and walked towards the bedroom. "I guess I don't have to tell my parents anything after all."

Her eyes went wide and she rushed after me. "What are you saying?" She reached out again and grabbed my arm quickly. "Are you trying to break up with me right now?"

I turned on her, looking down at her hand on me. "It seems like you can't stay away from Beca fucking Mitchell. Maybe that's something you need to figure out. Apparently, I'm just getting in the way."

Once again, I broke her grip and stormed into the bedroom, slamming a door for the second time that day. I was done with all of this. The adrenaline that had kept me going thus far fled and I collapsed in a pile on the bedroom floor, body racked with sobs.

The door opened and she was upon me, gathering me into her arms. I tried to fight, pushing at her hands and rolling to the side, but she was stronger in that moment. I was the weak one. She pulled me towards her and I let it happen. I let her draw me back in.

My face was wet with the torrential pour of salt water that still cascaded down, soaking my shirt and hers. She looked me in the eyes, holding my face in her hands. "Please, Aubrey," she said, her own tears streaking down her face.

I drew back and every bit of me wanted to slap her, to hit her, to get rid of the pain that stabbed hard into my chest. My hand raised into the air and came swooping down and I saw her brace but it stopped, instead gripping her face. I lunged forward and kissed her hard.

Our tears mingled as I pressed into her, our bodies now toppled over with mine on top. I pushed past her lips, my tongue hungry for her. I grabbed her hand and slid it under my shirt, pressing it flush with my stomach. I knew no thoughts only action as I shoved her hand past the waistband of my pants and into my center.

She gasped and her fingers found their way to just where I needed them. I wanted to wipe every trace of Beca away from her. I wanted her to possess me, to be inside of me in every way possible. I needed her to want me more. If that happened then maybe it wasn't over and maybe my love wouldn't go to waste.

Her lips found their way to my neck and my eyes opened as she bit into the flesh there. The pain was welcome. She smoothed her tongue over the bite and her lips brushed my ear. "I love you," she husked. The phrase made me choke back a sob and then she repeated it, whispering into the oblivion of my orgasm.

_"I love you, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."_


	10. Goodbye is the Only Way To Say I Love Yo

_**A/N Thanks for coming on this ride with me. I was thinking sequel but I'm not sure. Thoughts? Sorry this chapter took so long. Work has been killer. **_

_**Blimpe Nachos: As always your review is greatly appreciated. *hug* You're the best. **_

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_**Beca**_

I left their apartment building but I didn't hurry because there was still hope. What if Chloe came running down the hall calling my name? So, despite the red hot urge to take off at a run, to get away from the fury I could still feel from Aubrey, I walked at a meandering pace.

It was a pretty building, not a place I imagined Aubrey would like but I guess I didn't know her all that well. I got in the elevator and turned, looking back the way she had come. Words flew silently from my lips. Pleadings to whoever was listening in the ether. I could see it in my mind, images juxtaposed with the emptiness of the long carpeted stretch.

Red hair bouncing as she ran, well shaped legs pumping, her desperation to get to me but it was only produced in the depths of my mind, not a reality. The doors closed slowly, shutting out my view and the possibility that went along with it.

All those things that I wished for and the half expectations of my ego closed with the doors. The end of a chapter. The metal of the walls reflected the faint light from above. It made the numbers on the display stand out all the more as I rode down.

Too soon the doors opened and I exited into the parking deck. It was stuffy, like no new air had entered in a while. I tried to breathe deeply but it felt like my heart was pressing against my ribs, making it impossible to feel anything but pain and sadness.

Stacie had been right. It was a stupid idea and I had no excuse. She had still given me the address though. In my mind, that was the justification I needed. My car was the last in the row. Sunlight came in from the exit and I stopped leaning against the car door.

I didn't even get to talk to her. Aubrey came in and shut it down.

I sent the text to Stacie and got in the car. This was the last moment I had before leaving. I glanced over my shoulder and down the concrete path to where the elevator was, willing it to open. The shiny doors remained closed for one, two, three seconds, but then they started sliding.

My heart jumped and I tried to turn more so I could get a better view. Whoever it was was so far away that I couldn't tell… and then I saw that it was a man. Sighing hard, I turned and fell back into the seat. It was stupid to hope again.

I started the car and pulled out, heading back to my Dad's house. Now, I was going to wait because there had to be some sort of closure. We hadn't gotten it the first time because of me. Now, it would be Chloe's choice if we spoke again or not.

_**Chloe**_

We were tangled. All legs, hair, and fingers entwined like two trees that had grown together over centuries. It wasn't very comfortable but I stayed still as a statue, waiting for Aubrey to wake. The lovemaking had been last on a list of things I expected her to initiate. In it we laid every emotion out, like items on a shelf, the pieces ready to be used and experienced. It felt like speaking so quietly that the sound inverted until the soundwaves only existed inside our heads.

There was so much love and so much anger, both of us guilty of exploding with it. When it was over we fell together in exhaustion. the feelings spent. The kinetic energy had died but the communication still hummed. Uncertainty still remained unresolved about some things but I knew this; I love her more than before.

She stirred and I waited for her eyes to open and meet mine. "Hi," I said. She smiled a little and blinked. The curtains kept the light out so I couldn't see her face as clearly as I would have liked.

"Hey." She stretched, disentangling her legs from me. Her breasts and stomach brushed mine, creating a delicious sensation. I leaned forward and kissed her. Our lips slid together and she turned her head to deepen the kiss.

Too soon, she pulled back and regarded me. Her eyes turned serious and a wrinkle appeared in her brow. She was concentrating hard on something. "We still have some things to work out." She had a way of ruining the moment with truths.

"Yeah," I said and sighed. "We do."

She chewed her lip but her fingers found their way to my hair, twining with it absently and smoothing it down where it was mussed. "Okay." She pushed away from me, getting out of the bed. I was left cold, naked, and alone. "Get dressed," she instructed.

She started towards the closet but then turned back. "Wait," she said. She came around the bed and I turned over to see where she was going. She knelt down beside and focused entirely on my eyes. "Do you love me a lot, as much as it would take to get around the world and back?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Okay," she said and stood. "Now, get dressed."

Aubrey started rushing around to get ready, for what I wasn't sure. She ushered me into the bathroom after I managed to find clothes to wear and we stood side by side making ourselves look decent enough to go out. "Will you just tell me what this is about?"

"Just wait and see," she muttered, giving her ponytail one last tug." She brushed past me and went back into the bedroom. "Hurry up!"

"Can we at least eat something first," I asked. It was as much in her interest as it was mine. If her blood sugar dipped too low she would get sick.

"We'll get something on the way."

"On the way to where?" I followed her from the bedroom to the living room where she grabbed her purse and looked back at me.

"Good try." She smiled thinly. "Now, start deciding what you want from Starbucks." She picked up my bag and handed it to me. "Lock the door behind us."

When we were in the hallway I started towards the elevator but she tugged at my arm. "This way." She pulled me towards the stairwell and pushed the door open. This was getting out of control. We couldn't even wait on the elevator now?

When we got to the car she hopped in and shoved the key in the ignition. "Calm down," I warned. She was actually starting to scare me since we were about to drive in Sunday morning traffic.

"I'm clam," she said.

She pulled out and took off for the exit. We drove into the day and merged with traffic. She maneuvered the car around and past the slower drivers and sped southeast out of the city. The radio was on low and she could barely hear the last cords of a song I barely knew.

Anxiety made my stomach clench. I hate when Aubrey got like this. The single minded need to accomplish a goal stressed me out but I knew it was worse for her. She was the one who threw up before tests and worried about the uncontrollable until she made herself sick.

The drive was long and silent. I didn't want to push anything but I needed to clear the air. "Listen, last night… I didn't want Beca to kiss me and I'm sorry that I hurt you. I just.."

"We don't have to talk about that. I believe you," Aubrey interrupted me to brush off everything I had been worrying about. She twisted around, looking behind her to make sure it was clear to change lanes. "We," she said turning to me, "Are going to fix this." She grabbed my hand and brought it to her lips, laying a soft kiss just above my knuckles. "Now, be quiet and let me think." She smiled and squeezed my hand.

I laughed, the feeling foreign. It was so Aubrey. I squeezed back and she pulled her hand away to shift gears. I frowned at the action but I tucked myself into the side of the seat and looked out at the city passing us by.

Fourty-five minutes and we were on a rural highway, trees as far as I could see. I tried not to think, to just let Aubrey take the lead but it was what I always did. This was different. She was nervous and I could see her lips move silently like she was lip syncing but it wasn't the song that played.

An hour and fifteen minutes and there were still trees everywhere. We had passed through small towns and each time we slowed I wondered if we were near our destination but we drove on. I clutched my empty starbucks cup and tried to take another drink as if there were something there.

Aubrey started straight ahead, paying no attention to me. I was getting sleepy, despite the caffeine so I let my head nod to the side and I set the empty cup in the cup holder. Just when I closed my eyes Aubrey clicked on the blinker and my eyes shot open and I sat up. It was almost Pavlovian.

We were driving beside what looked like a pasture. Bright white fence rails interspaced with stone posts flew past us. She turned left and pulled up next to a keypad built into a huge gate of stone pillars and iron. She rolled down the window and punched in a series of numbers and then sat back.

The gate opened before us and a cobblestone drive wound through the manicured grounds. She hit the gas and we sped along the driveway. I could feel the cool breeze from the window she had left open. The fresh air made my agitation worse.

As we exited the trees shock hit me. A hill rolled down to a pond and across it was the largest house I had ever seen. It was built of the same stone that the fence was made of. Vines crept up the side, making it look like the whole structure had grown out of the ground instead of being built.

My mouth opened in wonder. Light glinted off the many windows. It was three stories tall and so wide. As we got closer I could make out the details better. There was a rounded tower structure in the front that was just taller than the roof.

Aubrey stopped in front of this and cut the engine. She opened her door and unbuckled her seat belt. "Come on, "she said. I was still staring at the house. She came around and opened my door, gesturing for me to get out.

"Where are we?" Instead of answering she reached over and unbuckled my seatbelt herself. I wouldn't be getting anymore information out of her. I stepped out of the car and followed Aubrey. She was already five steps ahead of me and opening the huge door.

She rushed past a woman who stood startled just inside the entryway. Inside the house was just as huge. Marble tile lay at my feet and formed a circular design in the foyer. To one side a staircase made of dark wood ran up to the next floor and directly in front of us was a long passageway that Aubrey was quickly disappearing down.

She didn't even glance back so I sped up and tried to catch her. We walked through the passage and then turned through a formal dining room, complete with chandelier. When we walked through the kitchen she slowed and I nearly ran into her.

"Now or never," she mumbled and pushed through the swinging door in front of us. On the other side was a large room with huge windows that overlooked a garden. In the middle was a table and at the table sat a man, a woman, and a girl. It dawned on me. We were at Aubrey's parent's house.

_**Aubrey**_

Dragging Chloe out here was the only way I could think of to make her see what I was willing to do to make her happy. I would take a chance, make a leap and maybe lose my family so that we were both living our lives as we envisioned. I just prayed that it wouldn't come to that.

I never brought people here. Mostly because it was so far but also because I didn't spend a whole lot of time with my family. It was impossible to be completely myself with them and maybe that was Chloe's point. So, it was time to start being honest.

The looks on their faces were priceless. If the situation had been different I would have killed for a picture. Instead, I was going over the speech I had thought up while I was driving. Rehearsing it silently while we were on our way didn't make it any easier to say.

"Mom, Dad… I'm gay and I'm in love with Chloe. We've been together for two and a half years and I kept it from you because I knew you wouldn't approve." I looked at each of their faces and waited for the wailing to start but it never came. Instead, my mother sighed and set down her spoon.

"We suspected that this would happen sooner or later." She glanced between Chloe and me.

I stared at her and then switched to my Dad. "What?" Chloe's hand found mine and she squeezed it.

"Duh."

My head swivelled. It had come from my sister. "So, you all knew but you never said anything?" Each one of them were looking back at me. "Dad?"

"It wasn't as obvious to me at first but your mother convinced me." He dabbed his mouth with the napkin that had been across his lap. "And after a lot of discussion we've come to a decision. We don't like it but you are our daughter. We had hoped that you might meet someone that could change your… ah… view on this."

All this time I wasted laying seeds for discontent in my relationship and they knew the whole time. A punch to the gut would have been less surprising but equally painful. This was a positive in disguise. It gave me exactly what I never dared to hope for. I was free.

Giggles came pouring out of me and I turned back to see Choe staring at me, worried. "Okay, then." I turned around and pulled her with me. Our arms stretched between us as she followed, turning back before we were out of the room.

"It was nice to see you again," she said.

I walked straight on right past the maid listening at the door and through the hallway. The heavy front door opened easily and we were out on the driveway again. "I can't believe it." I stopped, the joy catching up with me. "No way," I muttered.

Chloe came around me and pulled me the rest of the way to the car. I leaned against the side, lost in the amazement.

"Aubrey," she said, summoning my gaze to hers. "This is a good thing."

I nodded, becoming present. "I know. I just couldn't believe it and I hate that we spent all that time worrying about it and being upset over it."

"Hush." She reached out to take my other hand and turn my body so that my back was resting on the car. "We can't change that but what we can do is be happy." I smiled, my lips going ever upwards into the arc.

"Yes, I want that."

She smiled back and kissed me lightly, pulling back only far enough to let me see her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered. "You were brave in there."

I pulled her body flush with mine, fully aware that I was embracing my girlfriend in full view of the house I grew up in. The house where I was made to believe that something was wrong with me just because I loved differently than they did. Now, I felt sure that I loved more and harder as a result. I wanted to give my entire self despite the potential for failure.

"You're the brave one." It was true. Chloe lives just as she is, not conforming to anyone else's ideas of how she should be. It was inspiring. There were so many words that I wanted to say but we had time. For once, I knew that.

"I just have to ask you one thing," I said. My hands trembled. Not planned but maybe that's why it was a beautiful thought. I stood straight and she stepped back.

"Okay," she said, her head turning slightly in confusion. She watched me sink to the ground in offering, holding onto a hand, keeping the link between us strong.

The future shone behind my eyes, images of a life we could have. Things that I needed to experience but only with her. Fights and joy; love and fear, all their energy gathered within me. "Will you spend the rest of your life with me?"

It seemed a natural progression to me but she blinked and then stared, eyes wide. The question took her by surprise but she answered without difficulty. "Are you asking me to marry you?"

I nodded. "Yes." I didn't expect anything, just let her think and feel. It took one second more, one slow lapse of time. "Of course, I will," she answered.

I lept from my kneeling position and brought her to me, arms encircling, bodies as close as they could be. My lips found hers in a sealing of the promise. Meant to be had never had meaning to me but the phrase was alive inside me now. Chloe and Aubrey; meant to be.

**_Beca_**

The bells above the door jingled again. The shop was busy today and like every other time we met here I was nervous. So many scenes of my life had happened in this coffee shop and on this campus. I was starting to think that my life actually began and ended here.

This time it was her. She glanced around until she found me in the same seat as last time. I held my breath, not knowing that I was doing it. When she at down I let it out in one long push. Chloe was here at last. She was smiling like she couldn't help it.

Hope sprung inside me, something that hadn't happened since those elevator doors had closed on me yesterday. If she was here to give me bad news she wouldn't smile, I reasoned. I wanted it to be true. Wanting, needing; they were all mistakes I only started making when Chloe came along.

There was a lesson in here somewhere. I braced myself, knowing my life was about to change but I didn't even know how. She held that in her hands. I remembered the drive home, sitting there crying on the phone with Stacie, trying to keep her from hearing the obvious and unflattering sounds of grief that I was making.

Explaining the whole thing was quick and hard but at least I had someone to talk to. She understood what it was to be the one who was hooked and to not want it. Stacie was as surprising a person as came along in a life full of extraordinary accidents. I was glad to have the unexpected connection.

Her smile disappeared when she put her hands on the table. She bit her lip, a habit I found attractive, but not when it didn't bode well. "So, something happened yesterday," she started.

I ignored her. "Does Aubrey know you're here?" Her brow bunched in the middle, not expecting the question.

"Yes." She leaned back, her hands moving along the counter as she did. "Actually, this was her idea." Chloe's lips twitched with anticipation.

"Oh, gotcha." My eyes watered and I blinked. "Does that mean what I think it does?"

She waited for me to raise my eyes and then she nodded slowly. "I'm sorry," she said. "But Aubrey and I are still together and you and I can't do this anymore." There was a stern iron in her voice, something she only used when she had to. "We can't do this anymore."

"Okay," I said. The meekness I felt was from all of the guilt that I carried. Those feelings I had kept at bay and those I justified because I convinced myself that this was right, that Chloe and I had something special. Maybe we had but I had wrecked it and there was no fixing that.

She frowned. "I need to tell you the thing now. It's something I'm afraid will hurt you even more but I have to tell you because you'll find out anyway and I'd rather it come from me." She took a breath finally.

The words were quick but I followed them perfectly. "Just tell me." I was ready for more. I needed this to be done. I needed to go have a good cry, something I wasn't sure I had ever thought before but now I wasn't too tough for it. The cracks in my heart had broken the high walls keeping out my vulnerability.

"Aubrey and I are engaged."

Nothing else could surprise me at that point. "Congratulations," I said automatically. Someday I would mean it but right now I couldn't. I tried to smile, to back the words up, but it was impossible to be convincing.

"Thank you," she said. I could see her getting antsy now that her task was done. She looked around once but then came back to focus on me. "I am so sorry that this all happened like it did and that I hurt you."

There was the end. I didn't doubt her sincerity at all. That was just Chloe. "I'll be fine," I managed. With a final look to memorize every detail of her that I could see, I stood. "I should go." She shuffled out of her side of the booth and stood in front of me. "Thanks for telling me in person."

I started to walk but she grabbed me, crushing me inside her arms. I breathed deeply, taking in the intoxicating scent that I could no longer enjoy in the same way. "Never doubt that I loved you in some way beyond friends." She whispered the words near my ear, sending shivers down my entire body. "It just wasn't the right time."

That would have to do. Regret would be my prize for efforts that had been foolish in the first place. "Maybe in another life," I whispered back.

"Maybe," she said.

I pulled away and walked toward the door, stopping once to look back at her. She was perfect and I was losing her again. The thought plagued me as I walked out the door, bells above jingling for the last time. I needed to find myself somewhere outside of where Chloe existed for me.

I stopped at the car door, opening it and leaning in the space created between it and the car. Sunset peeked over the horizon. Another manifestation of beauty that was out of reach. When I got in the car and started it, the bright orange sun sank just below the mountains and into the pink sky in the distance.

I drove into it, knowing that tomorrow would come. Chloe was happy and that mattered more than my disappointment, but that wasn't satisfying enough to hold me over. The future was waiting for me but I had to get over today before I was ready for that. I took out my phone and hit the call button.

"Stacie? Can I come over?"

**~~Fin~~**


End file.
